ToeJam Tales

Been A While...

2010-01-19T13:40:00.001-08:00

It's been a while since I posted, and the fact that I haven't had Internet access is a large part of that. But I am back now, so look out.

The store I work at in San Francisco has been a blast. I really have been enjoying the people I work with and the customers that come in. The guys are really into the brand we represent, and love talking about it. They are all incredibly passionate about what they represent and willing to share that knowledge and joy. It's one of the best places I have ever worked. And the owners are fantastic.

One of the odd things about this store is that I really haven't had any of the odd customers asking the weird questions I normally get. Which isn't to say I don't get the odd stupid statement ("where are the cars?" is a popular one, but I can't say more without revealing the store, which I am not allowed to do!).

We do have some fun customers. I have been meeting and talking to people from all over the United States and the world in general. We have, regularly, people calling from all over the US to buy things, which is a lot of fun for me. I have also talked to customers who have called from Paris, France and Hong Kong.

The local customers are a lot of fun, too. Some of the regulars are just great people who love the brand. And they really do enjoy coming in and talking with us while they shop.

Now, working in San Francisco has its fun moments, too. For example, back in December, we had Santa-con, aka Drunk Santa Fest. A bunch of people dress up as Santa and/or his elves and basically do the ultimate pub crawl in the city. Where else can you see Santa in a thong? Or even better, Mrs Claus in a thong? Of course, I would love to be the tourist parent explaining to their child why there won't be a Christmas when they see Santa being busted by SFPD, and toted away in a paddy wagon...

We have also been front and center for a Hotel Strike protest march in the city, which was fun... C'mon people, at least you have jobs! Other fun things include the various protests against the major banks in the City (such as Wells Fargo and BofA). You also have the various political protests (it is San Francisco, after all) and basic left wing fun in the city.

Basically, I have spent the last month or so learning the product and history in my store, just having fun and getting into the swing of things after my long summer off. I was there a week and the previous manager left, so instead of being an assistant, I am now acting manager (a spot I hope to take over permanently) for the time being. And as I get my feet under me, I am starting to make changes, hopefully for the better. I know the guys are responding to it, and good things are starting to happen.

Looking back, I am bitter on how I was treated at my job in SoCal, and even more so on how I left. But I know it was a good thing for me. This is the most fun I have had at work in years. BossLady has even commented that she likes it when she can see me having fun at work.

Domestically, BossLady and I are finally settling into our own place. We aren't far from her family, which has pros and cons, but we will take it. I was finally able to live up to my promise to her to get a new kitten for her graduation. So now we have two tortoishell cats with very different personalities. Which, of course, means I sleep on the floor since they have taken over my spot on the bed at night.

It's also been fun reconnecting with friends here in the Bay Area that I haven't seen in a few years.

So as more things happen, I will post more. I just hope I get some good fodder for my stories...

Smoke Two Joints...

2009-11-30T20:18:00.000-08:00

November has been an interesting month.

I got the job in my home town that I was stressed about. Turned out not to be a good fit, so I left.

I was lucky in that the other opportunity was still on the table that I wanted. I started there today, and if anything, the opportunity has increased. Nothing has been promised that I would call set in stone, but the language tells me it won't be long for a major promotion. Good things really do come to those who wait, I guess.

So I am back working in San Francisco, a city I love and find endlessly entertaining. I mean, where else in the world would you see three people walking down the street smoking joints and just have the police wave at them?

The job is going to be great. I really enjoy the new crew, and the opportunity to grow is beyond belief. I don't want to go into too much detail because of all the proprietary information, and I certainly do not want to offend my new crew, but I will post stories as they happen. Working in San Francisco, you can count on several in the not so distant future.

This will be a bit of a busy time for BossLady and me, as we are moving to our own place after staying with family for the last 4 months. I probably won't post again until mid to late December. But I WILL be back.

Of course, this year I am having to do something I never do. Shop for Xmas. It's big in her family. I never did much beyond getting Mom a card and maybe something for BossLady. Otherwise, to me, it was just a forced day off. Blech. Now it's shop for her, her parents, her grandmother, and sixteen dozen other people I've never met.

Fun and games.

Thanksgiving was interesting, spending it with several people I have never met, but am apparently related to now. And even more fun, some of them work retail as well, and know the store I am going to.

This is going to be interesting to say the least.

Anyhow, I will be back.

Eventually.

Home

2009-11-04T18:43:00.000-08:00

BossLady and I have had a bit of a go lately.

We have been staying with family in the Bay Area since the move and while I found work. Family is great and we could not have made it without their help, but it's time to move on.

Back when BossLady took her photo gig, we drove up and went apartment hunting with little luck. It's very frustrating when they all want money NOW and we were just getting ideas. So we backed off and decided to wait till I landed something.

Today we signed our papers for our new place.

We are both excited to have our own place again. We appreciate all the family has done, but we need to have "our" space back. We miss it.

The only problem... We have to wait a month till we actually move in.

This could be a good thing, as I have to get going on the new job and the dust will settle a bit for us. And we can start planning our move without feeling rushed.

BossLady is happy, too. She will be in her hometown. I will be close to mine, though I have lived in this city before. And she will be close to her family, which is something she has not had in 5 years. And best of all in her mind, I have to get her a new kitten, which we decided we will rescue from the local shelter.

The place is in a nice location, close to BART and a golf course as well as tennis courts and a lake.

Ah... the joys of moving...

I GOT IT!

2009-11-03T11:04:00.001-08:00

Today I start the new job.

I got the one I wanted, which is awesome.

Even better, it's in my home town.

Today is paperwork, and then we are going full bore to get the place open and just rockin'.

Stories should follow soon about the customers and just what it's like to open something from the ground up.

... pation is Killing Me!

2009-10-29T21:05:00.000-07:00

Had the interview.

Talked with who interviewed me before. That was good.

Talked to his "boss". I have no read on him, so not sure how it went.

I was told I would hear by tomorrow.

Wife has me out at the driving range hitting golf balls then going apartment hunting all day to keep my mind off of things.

I don't feel good about this.

Anticip...

2009-10-29T12:08:00.001-07:00

Waiting has never been my strong suit.

I have my final interview for a job that I really want today (in less than an hour, actually) and I am going nuts. I'd bite all my fingernails off, if I had any left. Heck, I'd gnaw 'em off the cat if that were possible... But I also feel that this is just a formality, and that all will go well. Which is why I am excited and anticipating this interview. I want to work again so bad I can almost taste it.

A habit of mine when I am working (or just excited for something) is to be early. Very early. As in I-got-here-last-week early. People laugh at me and tease me about it, and I even make fun of myself for it.

But I have never been late to work. Ever.

Of course, this means when I go to things like a football game or baseball game, I tend to show up before the players. Which can be fun, if you are into people watching. And depending on where you live, you can get quite a show.

BossLady and I have been fortunate in that we have lived in places where we encounter a lot of different people. In Los Angeles/Orange County, all you had to do was drive to the beach or take a walk in a tourist trap area, and voila! Here in the San Francisco Bay Area, just hop on BART. Hell, just walk in San Francisco.

BossLady and I would go to Disneyland when we were in Southern California and comment (quietly) to ourselves about people. Sometimes, we were crude, mean spirited and just outright inhumane with what we said (though we never spoke it above a whisper in each other's ear... we truly are not mean... we just make each other laugh this way and we do judge each individual on their own merits). Other times, we would make up fantasy lives for these people, or even make like we are some fashion critic couple touring the place.

Face it, LA is prime people watching turf.

People are a large part of why I love working retail. You meet all kinds of people, good and bad. Some are funny, others sick. But they are the reason the world goes 'round.

So here's hoping things go great in the next hour....

Remember Me?

2009-10-28T13:54:00.000-07:00

Hi, Remember Me?

Been a while since I posted, and a lot has happened.

First, I lost my job in Southern California. Yeah, I know, get in line with about 13% of the country. So most of my time has been spent pounding pavement and scouring the job boards to find a new spot. And by this Friday (more likely Thursday), that problem will be solved.

Heck, I have had two separate phone interviews while typing this today!

Only took me six months to deal with.

Back in February, I committed a form of pseudo-suicide. I bought Snowboard gear for BossLady and myself and took her to Big Bear Resort in Southern California to learn how to snowboard (suicide because I know me... If I can get hurt doing something, bank on it happening. And it did. Concussion, and messed up rotator cuff in my left shoulder, and the world's UGLIEST bruise on my ass). By default, I learned, too.

The lessons at Bear Mountain were great, and we met and became friends with a really great guy, JC. Originally we did a group lesson that he taught, then arranged for a private lesson later in the day. Best money we ever spent. JC made us learn in the best way. He told us what we got right and how to improve where we were not doing so hot without making us feel stupid. We left that first day feeling incredible, but driving in the blizzard down the mountain with a concussion was a blast.

A few weeks later, we went back and just rode. We found JC, and got another day of lessons. Now, no one is going to confuse us with Shaun White, but we did improve. And with JC there, we were laughing the entire day.

BossLady and I made a third trip just before the end of the season, and while we didn't do the lesson, we did manage to see JC and his significant other (and she is a very fun person, too!). BossLady and I had fun, and then invited JC and C to our wedding (which they managed to make to the reception!).

Now we can't wait for it to snow in Tahoe at Squaw Valley. Or Mammoth. But we do plan on going to SoCal to board at Bear Mountain as well. It wouldn't be winter without JC.

BossLady took a job in Northern California, so we packed up from our Irvine home and headed back to our roots in the San Francisco Bay Area. Made the job search fun, but that's okay. Once we got back to the Bay, we realized how much we missed it. I miss SoCal, but this is home.

I also had to deal with the loss of a very important person in my life. My grandmother, who put me through college and made a lot of the things possible for me that I did growing up, passed away in August at the age of 98. She is a legend among my family, and no one who ever met her has failed to be amazed by her. She was incredibly active in her life right up to the last two years when she started losing her hearing and sight. It's been three months since she passed, but I still visit the family house she helped build (literally) and expect to see her in her favorite chair talking to her friends on the phone or playing with the cat. She will always be missed.

I also did something insanely stupid but really overdue. I got married to the BossLady. We got married back in May with a few close friends (and we wanted to invite others, but they vanished on us... SLICK... that means you) and family around on a cliff overlooking Laguna Beach. I don't remember too much about the location other than the MOST beautiful woman in the world showing up in white and strangers walking by and stopping to wish us the best. Incredible.

Best move I have ever made.

Anyhow, I hope to get back to posting more often again, and not just about retail. The fun never ends, and I hope to share it with people again.

Skip To M'Lou

2009-01-31T21:28:00.000-08:00

Some really smart and nice people let their kids do some really stupid stuff inside stores, and are amazed by the idiotic things that happen to them.

Today was a great example.

I had this rather nice family come into my store. Very pleasant people. Mom was trying to get her two daughters supplied for dance class. She was asking some very detailed and pointed questions with the clear intent to get her kids into the right product for them. Kudos, Mom. Dad was kind off in oblivion, with a Just-Get-This-Over-With stare and comments. The two kids were overloaded with sugar. It's just not fair to have that kind of energy around someone who is still half asleep...

Anyhow, this family was trying on shoes. One daughter would try on the tap shoes, and the other would run around the store like she was at in the running for the Kentucky Derby, (and winning by 3 furlongs...). Then they would trade off. Dad was muttering for them to slow down and behave, but his heart clearly wasn't in it.

Now the problem is where they were before they came to my store. The previous store sold them two light-up jump ropes. All was good till Mom decided to let the girls play with them inside my store!

You see the problem with this?

Suddenly my quaint little shoe store became Gold's Gym for the superjuvenile set. Displays are going flying, people complaining, girls slugging each other with lit up ropes like some sort of sick 80's fetish... It just was not a pretty site.

And Mom is sitting in the aisle wondering why people are going apeshit!

____________________________________

I have three employees that speak Farsi (a Persian language). Farsi supposedly is one of the toughest languages to learn, but that isn't stopping my girls from trying to teach me. So far, I have mastered one word ("Hello"), and I am slowly picking up a couple of others.

I really think the girls are doing this to me so they can make fun of the way I talk. It's giving them quite a laugh.

Now it's really a good thing for me to learn this, since my store has a high percentage of Persian speaking customers. (I am also learning Spanish for the other dominant language in my area, with a bit more success!)

Naturally, if I am involved, something is going to go horribly wrong, with some sort of hideous result. Today, it happened.

I was working alone in the store when two Persian ladies came in. One was about my age, and the other was born sometime about the time the dinosaurs got wiped out (I mean, she was a walking fossil, completely hunched over and barely moving!). I said hello to them as they entered, as per our policy (and just trying to be nice... I know, I know... it's not me). The younger lady said hello in unaccented English. The biddy turned to me and with all her effort, barely squawks out "salam" (IE hello). I turned to her and replied "salam". Her eyes got HUGE (think dinner plates the size of Texas) and just kept craning her neck at me as she walked past.

I think she wet herself.

It was all I could do to not laugh at her response.

The younger lady told me as she left that the biddy was shocked that anyone like me (IE straight white boy) would even try to speak her language. She truly did not know how to react!

Who says old people aren't fun?

Dream a New Dream

2009-01-20T12:20:00.000-08:00

This may get a bit random, a bit wordy and a lot introspective. If you don't want to deal with it, don't read.

I finally replaced my computer that died in December, so I should be posting more soon. Today's post is probably going to have very little to do with retail since I am on vacation this week. Sorry.

I turned 38 yesterday. I am incredibly shocked I have lived this long. When I was in high school, I always believed that I would never live past 30. So you can imagine me laying awake the night of my 30th birthday, waiting in terror for the lightning bolt that was going to take me out. At the time, I don't recall if I was relieved it didn't happen, or disappointed. Now I am glad it didn't. But it still scares me every year on the night before my birthday. I mean, what if I was off in my count? The night before I turn 40 is going to be a real nail biter, that's certain.

The last few days have brought me into contact with some people I figured I would never hear from again, or if I did, it would be at high school or college reunions. A couple of them have just sent messages online, others have taken the time to chat. I am grateful for both. And I look forward to hearing from more people. Hopefully, they will see I have grown (I hope I have), and I hope they see their influence on me over time. I may not have talked to them over the years for various reasons, but there really hasn't been a time when I wasn't thinking of them.

The people who have found me (or been crazy enough to let me contact them) have been amazing.

I ran found my old speech/debate coach from high school, a man I highly respect. He took the time to have faith and work with someone with very little talent and gave that person the belief that anything is possible. Thank you, Mickey Martin (Bet you forgot how we tormented your Mickey tie all those years ago!).

My college roommate and I traded emails for the first time in 15 years. Kegger appears to be doing great. Still bleeds SMC Blue and Red, which is as it should be. I don't know that he ever had a bad day at SMC. And I bet he still has some great college stories for his friends and family. Of course, he figures large in several of my best memories from SMC, but those are for another time.

Another friend took the time to get me into contact with other friends. Her road through life seems to mirror mine. Some rough times, some really great times, and finally coming to terms with everything and just enjoying each day while trying to better herself. Talking to her really made me think about everything I went through in high school, and that I had to come to terms with things. Point Blank, she set the example. Thank you.

I was shocked to learn that people from both the high schools I attended are close to where I live. I would love to sit down over coffee with them and just talk. I can tell they have some amazing stories to tell, and I would love to listen.

Another friend was found for the second time. The Bishop and I reconnected some ten years ago via my ex in Kansas City. She had told me I would love her boss's husband. Turns out he and I went to high school together and were involved in drama at the same time. When she and I split, I lost contact with the Bishop and his wife. Last night, I got to talk to both of them. I plan on not losing contact with these people this time!

I sat around last night looking on Facebook at some of the profiles of people I remember from high school and college. Married, Doctor's degrees, families... it just makes me understand that I grew up around a ton of really remarkable people. I have been lucky.

I don't think my road has been anything special. I really do think I am like a lot of people. I had my problems, but I had my highs as well. My lows include a couple of suicide attempts, some failed engagements, a dream destroyed while out running, loss of some really great friends, a bought with alcohol, and just overall abusing myself. I don't see myself as anything special, just another person. No matter what image I portray, it's how I have always thought of myself. Nothing special, and truth be told, probably a little less than most.

For years I was told (and diagnosed) with depression. One "family" member even played amateur psychologist and told me to work out the issues with my father (imagine his surprise when my real doctor told him HE was the issue, not my father, and that I had actually done a really nice job dealing with that mess!). About 4 years ago, after a stint in a mental hospital for a suicide attempt, a doctor realized that my problem wasn't depression. I suffer from an anxiety disorder that causes depression and SERIOUS panic attacks. Since that revelation, I have been depression free (aside from the normal ups and downs of everyday life). That doctor saved my life.

I had three engagements blow up in my face. The first was just a mess after I graduated college. To this day, I think I was just being used to get back at her old boyfriend. I don't talk to her anymore (haven't since 1994), so I will never know. Not sure I really care, either. The next was with me for 4 years. We lived together, had everything planned. Then she decided she wanted to be alone. I later discovered she was seeing someone from her work. End of that. The third I caught with a friend in a compromising position. Trust became a bit difficult for me at that point. Still is, but my current fiancee is working on it.

I have been a physical wreck in my mind. Five knee operations since 1992, an elbow operation a couple of years ago, and now the doctors are telling me that there is a chance they will have to operate on my shoulder to clean it up (but they are trying to prevent that). I have put on too much weight, which I am hoping to lose this year, but I don't expect miracles. I just hope to improve myself.

The highs have been great as well. I did some skydiving. I have travelled most of this country. I have met and made friends all over the world. I have been living my sports dream of seeing games (NFL, MLB and NHL) in as many cities as I can. I am engaged to the most wonderful woman in the world, even if we drive each other crazy. Somehow, it just wouldn't be right if we didn't drive each other bunny nuts.

My dreams out of high school were to go into the Marines, complete with a stint at the Naval Academy. That didn't happen when I blew my knee out. Backup plans were to get a degree in Performing Arts and possibly act or direct, and eventually get a law degree. I got the first degree and I worked as a Tech Director of a Dance company for two years. I lived the acting side of it doing regional work for a couple of years before realizing the job I had taken to pay the bills was what I truly enjoyed. I now work a job that many think is below me, but that's their perception and problem. I love retail. I love the people. I love the insanity.

The most important thing I have done in my life is to come to terms with myself. I am who I am. Deal with it. I have finally learned how to do just that.

I hope that some of the classmates, old work acquaintances and friends will see this and get in touch. I offer no apologies for the past, nor do I want any for actions from them. Those actions made us who we are. I will not deny the past. I will learn from it daily.

I will say one thing... thanks to all of you. For the highs and lows. And for what may come.

Dreams come and go. So when one fails, dream a new dream.

'Tis the Season to Bitch Bitch Bitch

2008-12-27T15:23:00.000-08:00

Xmas is (finally) over.

In theory, this means no more screaming twits for another year. And their kids are just as bad, but I know they are a year round event.

This year wasn't anything memorable at work. People came in, bought stuff and left. Most of the whining I got was from people wondering why certain other businesses in my complex have closed, or swearing that X business was open just yesterday and gone today (it's been closed for a year, you mental mini midget), or that prices have gone waaaaaay up.

Tis the season to bitch.

I had a few really good ones, but not much memorable.

The best one was the Heely's incident, and it happened Christmas Eve (I guess there really is a Sandy Claws).

This one family came into the store, with the middle child skating around on her Heely shoes. (I absolutely HATE those things as they are a safety risk, both to the person wearing them and those around them that they skate into.) This child insisted on skating in the store, so I asked her to not skate in my store as she could get hurt. A few minutes later, I see her skating again. This time, I tell the birth defect to not skate in the store or I would have to ask her to leave. I see her a few minutes later skating again. This time, I tell her mother that the child will have to stop skating for safety reasons (hooks and racks are painful to hit and can do serious damage if you fall on them). Mother Knows Best just looked at me like I was insane. I walked away stating I had warned them.

A few minutes later, I hear this loud SMACK and boxes falling (we have items on shelves on top of our racks... fortunately for this snowflake, they were only 3 deep). A short moment later, I hear Precious let out a Banshee scream after 3 boxes of shoes maliciously attacked her for skating into her fixture. My first thought was that I warned the child, and I hoped she was okay and hadn't hurt anyone else. NOW the fun begins.

Before I can get over to check out the situation, Momma is in my face attacking me for moving the racks in front of her child while she was skating in my store, even after I had asked both mother and child to cease. It was clearly my fault for moving the rack, which is over 400 pounds and bolted to the floor, in front of her child. And I deliberately put the boxes on top and pushed them onto the twerp when she slammed face first into the shelves, even though I was on the other side of the store at the time.

Am I missing something here?

I also had my human wrecking crew in. This family is very nice, except that the mother lets all three kids run around my store, opening stuff, tearing things apart and then leaving. IF she buys anything at all, it's usually under $10, while her heathens have done over $100 in damage to my store. All the while, she insists she is my best customer, because of how much she spends in my store, and the fact that she is in all the time (I see her about once every 3 months).

This visit was not any different. The oldest boy proceeded to tear apart every slipper package I had (just before the peak buying time on them). He wore slippers all over the store, and even out of the store (without paying for them) before his mother got him back in. The middle daughter opened up every pair of tights we had (again, during my peak season to sell them). The youngest one discovered my sunglasses and jewelry fixture, took everything off, and proceeded to dance on them.

All told, about $250 in damages done.

They bought $17 worth of shoes.

Merry Fucking Christmas to you, too, lady.

And to top it off, I discovered this visit that she works retail as well!

Other stuff happened. My DM held his annual Xmas breakfast, which meant a ton of store visits since he holds it at the restaurant across the street from my store. Yup, all 25 managers in our district pop in and pick my store apart. Fun times.

The only thing I have to look forward to is vacation next month. I think I will sleep the entire week.

BossLady got part of what she wanted for Xmas... She got her Guitar Hero. And yes, she can seriously kick my ass in it.

My PC died the big death. The mother board fried, so I am not going to be posting as often, since I have to steal BossLady's computer to do so. Hopefully, I can get the computer I want sometime in January, and things will be back to (insanity) normal.

By the way.... SLICK>>> where'd ya go???????

Anyhow, hope you had a great holiday, whatever you celebrate/ignore/plot. Be safe and have fun, and happy New Year.

Fruitcake

2008-12-07T21:37:00.000-08:00

'Tis the season for fruitcake.

I hate the holidays.

I really hate fruitcake.

Why is it the holidays bring out the worst in people? The me-first attitude and those that want to use any biological difference as a way to get ahead? Or those too good to get off the phone when they talk to you?

I'm talking about people that expect the world to revolve around them. The ones that were born with the universe owing them EVERYTHING. Those that use everything as an excuse. Look at me cross-eyed? That's an excuse for me to accuse you of every venal sin ever imagined, and a few yet to come.

Yup, Today was fun.

My first fun fruitcake today was a lady that called early in the day. I was working alone on a busy Sunday. I had several customers in line and more in the aisles. Up to this point, I was doing a decent job of balancing the register with service for those in the aisles. Then the phone rang.

This fruit wanted me to look for a shoe for her boy. No problem, just allow me to finish the transaction I was in and I would look. I was told that it could not wait. I told her I would look as soon as I finished, but I couldn't even look until I freed the register so I could check inventory. She agreed to wait.

As soon as I did look, she started asking detailed questions about the product. I answered her. Then she asked me to look for another item. I advised her I had a line at my register that I must help, and that I could call her back when I had no line. She said she would wait.

So I help the line. One customer, Hispanic, complimented me on my patience with everyone (IE being able to help everyone and the customer on the phone... she was happy with me... I musta done fucked up somehow).

As I am ringing on the register, we could all hear the woman screaming at her kids about how the "idiot" on the other end of the phone was ignoring at random, and how she should come before anyone else since she was looking to buy two items.

I finally get back to the phone, locate the items she wants (I don't have them, but another store nearby does). I offer to hold the ones I do have, and she declines.

That's the end of her, right?

Hollow laugh.

Later in the day, she calls back and demands the same information from my part time help. My part-timer, who is relatively new, asks me every question that the fruitcake asks me. After the third question, I know who it is. The conversation ends with Doc offering to hold the merchandise. Again, declined.

But that's not the end.

Late in the day, she comes to my store and chews me and my newest associate out (not the one that got the call) for NOT putting her items on hold. We offer to do this twice, she declined both times, and it's OUR fault it's not on hold? What am I missing here?

I take the time to help her find what I found for her two other times today via phone. She then lays into me because I don't carry certain items that she wants. I explain that I have a smaller store, and as a result, I don't get everything my company carries. She then rips me for not forcing my buyers to send it to me. I then get a new one plastered on me since I am an ass for not knowing exactly what items and what sizes are coming on my next truck (my paperwork just tells me I have a truck coming with X number of cases).

There was just no pleasing this fiend.

I just thanked her for coming in and walked away.

My second fruitcake was one that gets under my skin easy. The "race" card.

I initiated contact with this piece of work by approaching her and her party in the aisle. I said hello and offered to help them locate their choice of items. I then told them about our current promotion and told them to call me if they needed anything before I got back to them. I then went to check on my other customers.

A few minutes later, I popped my head around the corner and asked, "are you still doing all right?". I got an earful as she was talking on her blue tooth, "I am shopping and I am not buying here. I refuse to shop where they stare at me like I am gonna steal just because I am [race excluded]".

This "lady" then went around accosting all my other customers complaining about the racist treatment she had been receiving, since I was "profiling" her and "accusing" her of theft because of her race. This actually got a laugh from a customer, who told her all she heard was me just offering to help.

I finally approached her and asked just what I did that accused her of anything. She said I was constantly checking on her to keep her from stealing. I replied that I was sorry she thought that, but I was just checking to see if she was in need of assistance, just like I do every customer that comes into my store.

She asked to see the manager. I replied, "How can I help you?" and pointed to the Store Manager badge I had on.

She finally had her family member tell her to shut up. They bought their items and left.

So apparently I am racist because I offered to treat you like every other customer in my building... smiling and offering to assist you and telling you about the deals we have, just as our corporate directive tells us to do.

Am I missing something?

As a general rule, if someone is on a cell phone, I offer to assist them quietly, and thereafter just touch base with them using a nod or hand signals until I am certain they are off their phone. Most of the time, and good smile and wave are all it takes for them to know I am there if they have a need.

Then there are the self important pricks who think the world is theirs to command.

A young lady came into the store today, and I said hello and realized quickly she was on her cell phone. I passed her in the aisles a couple of times, each time offering a quiet but noticeable "you doing OK?" as she was yakking away on the rap rod. Each time, I was ignored, even though eye contact was made.

She finally made it to the register, still managing the ear pollution for some poor soul on the other end of the connection. I complete the transaction, hand her the receipt, and she ends her phone conversation. Then the shit went postal.

"Thanks for the help. NOT!" she sniped at me and Doc.

I just said "thank you" and walked away.

Look, if you are in a conversation, I was taught not to interrupt. I made attempts to work with you, which you acknowledged. Don't get your shorts up your ass because I won't kiss your ass when you ignore me.

Besides, I don't care who your friend got blown by last night. If you are at my register, pay for your shit and get out. If you don't have the decency to talk to me, I am not going to talk to you.

I really hate fruitcake.

6 Hour Commutes SUCK

2008-12-05T21:17:00.000-08:00

Today was BossLady and My 2 year anniversary together. We spent the day (Wednesday) like we did our very first together-- At Disneyland.

The story goes something like this, and it starts in Fremont, CA (near San Jose/San Francisco/Oakland)...

BossLady had the misfortune to work for me a couple of years ago. I had been transferred to her store because I was to have surgery on my arm, and that store was a much slower volume location. The thinking was being slower volume, I could work with my arm in a cast and not get hurt (my DM failed to take my stubborn-assed work ethic into account).

BossLady had started about two weeks before I got to that location. So not only was she being broken into the new guy, she was being broken into the store in general (and she will KILL me if I have my timing wrong... or for just mentioning this... I am dead either way).

Things started well. It wasn't long before I realized that she had talent. I could ask her to do anything and she usually with, though it would cost me a smart ass remark or four. Fair trade.

I started calling her "Crazy Lady" with a smile. She replied by calling me "Psycho Man". We got along great.

I then vanished for a bit, having my surgery on my arm.

When I got back, we ended up talking a lot, along with a few others who constantly ended up on the same shift. We all became pretty good friends.

About this time, she had a medical issue of her own that was quite serious and missed a lot of work. She would bounce in just to let us know she was still alive, and during one of those visits, I gave her my number and told her to call if she needed to talk.

A week or so later, while I was in physical therapy getting the living beejeezus zapped out of my arm (this is rehab? having some crazy woman apply electrodes to my arm and set them for extra crispy?), I got a text message. It was from BossLady. The great text war was on.

For the next few weeks, she seemed only capable of messaging me while I was being fried in PT.

Fortunately, she returned to work, though with a downer. She was leaving for school in Southern California soon. Real bummer.

Before she could leave for Long Beach, I got transferred back to the store I loved in San Francisco. BossLady had a surprise for me. My last day at Fremont, she met me in the parking lot with a gift bag as a going away present. She had several items in it for me, but what stood out were the three CD's she burned for me to listen to while I was sitting on BART.

Those CD's told a story, or so I thought.

A few weeks later, in August, she left for Long Beach. I was not happy. We hadn't developed any real closeness yet, but we had been talking so much, I was certain I was losing a good friend. I mean, she certainly wouldn't waste time talking to me from that far away...

Almost immediately, I found I was wrong. I got a bajillion text messages from her each day. If I forgot my phone at home, I got chewed out when I got home and online from her for ignoring her. We talked every night for hours online. She even called me at home in Fremont and asked me for directions in Orange County (which is SoCal... I was in NorCal!).

What all this did was prove to me just how special she was.

Then the wars began.

Each of us would go through a phase where we realized we were too close to each other and back off. We would even go so far as to tell the other it wasn't working, and we would never hear from the other again. Bitter fights. Very stressful.

It finally came down to her telling me we were through and that was it. I called her and we fought. And I do mean fought. We were yelling, screaming, crying into the phone. I know I was pounding the walls, my bed, kicking the cat... you name it. I finally challenged her to say goodbye to my face when she came home for Thanksgiving.

That holiday was hell. We met at a bookstore in Fremont late in the evening. I knew it was goodbye. I was terrified. We ended up just walking around and talking for a few hours. We went to my studio and shared our photos. We left that night in peace.

The day before the holiday, she met me in the City for lunch at Blondie's Pizza on Powell. We spent my lunch hour walking around Union Square.

She surprised me by texting me on Thanksgiving. I had gone with a friend's family to dinner in Modesto, while she was with her family.

The day after, she called me and asked me if I wanted to meet her for coffee after work before she went to see a friend in Santa Rosa. I agreed. We met and talked for an hour or so. As she went to her car, we took the first two photos of us together.

That night, I got a series of very interesting phone calls from a very plastered BossLady.

I was now so confused that I gave idiots a bad rap.

She called me one more time that weekend to meet me for breakfast the day she left. As we went to our cars, she took a photo of me. I am NOT photogenic at all (Kodak is terrified of my image... they pay me to stay away from their cameras!.. I wish), but I let her. We then got in our cars and headed out, her for Long Beach, me for BART.

It was a long day.

I didn't hear from her that night. I dealt with it by getting drunk.

The next day, I got home and turned on the computer and got surprise. On her yahoo360 blog was a photo of me. And it looked amazing. To this day, I don't know how she got such a good image of me.

That night, we talked. I had just reconciled myself to the fact that she would not be happening for me when she dropped the bomb on me. She was interested, and that she was tired of hiding behind her fears.

She had decided to go for it.

My next day off was 5 December. I talked my boss into giving me an early (IE 5am to 2pm shift) so I could sneak down to LA for a day. My boss (love that woman!) gave me a better deal... 5am to 10am. I told BossLady to be ready as I was making a suicide trip down to see her.

I bolted from work that day and made the six hour drive in something like 4. The entire drive down the 5 was a blur.

That first night, 4 December, will always be burned in my mind. I stayed at my mother's place in Anaheim, and I remember talking to her how I felt like I was 15 going on my first date. I was terrified of the trip to Long Beach.

I went. We went to dinner in Cerritos, then down to Irvine (ironically, less than 2 miles from where I now work!) and played minigolf and hit in the batting cages. We ended the night by the Queen Mary in Long Beach with our first kiss.

The next day, 5 December, was magic. We went to Disneyland and discovered just what we truly are-- two overgrown kids. We spent the day riding our rides, talking and just being together. Disneyland lived up to it's slogan of "where dreams come true" for me that day. It was magic.

The day ended, and hell began.

We went back to my mother's place in Anaheim, and I packed my things up for the drive home. Leaving was hell. I think we shot about 200 text messages before I cleared the Grapevine (North of LA). It was snowing that night, so driving over the pass was not fun. The drive took forever. Getting home was... empty.

I learned two things that day.

First, six hour commutes REALLY suck.

Most important, I didn't want to live without BossLady in my life.

Wednesday was a reminder of that magical day for me. We got to the park, had breakfast, walked around arm in arm, rode the rides, took pictures (some are posted here, others on myspace...http://www.myspace.com/redgael94 if you want to see) and just had fun. We did the same thing last year, and probably will for the rest of our lives.

Thanks BossLady, for taking that chance two years ago.

Evil Incarnate

2008-12-01T08:09:00.000-08:00

I have decided after this weekend that I am evil incarnate.

Seriously.

Every time I went to measure a kids' feet using the Brannock device (foot scale), I ended up with a screaming heebeejeebee. And it's not like this scale is scary or anything. At worst, it's a cold piece of metal. But put it in my hands near a bed wetting toddler, and the banshees come out in force.

It really makes me wonder.

Yesterday was a great example.

Two kids were playing with the scales while their parents shopped. Each kept taking turns running behind the counter and grabbing the devices. They would then run around (literally) the store swinging the scales until the other relented to have their foot measured. All fun and games (except for the customers that we cannot help since we can't find the scales now!).

Until it's their turn.

The parents finish demolishing the section of the store that they think they own, and now it's time to put shoes on the snowflakes. All hell is about to come crashing down about our ears.

Mom (usually) or Dad comes up to us and asks us to measure the feet. In yesterday's case, it was Mom.

First things first, I have to have a Brannock device. We keep some behind our counter, and a couple up high at the end of the aisles, so no problem.

Remember, these fiends have been playing with these same scales, laughing and running and basically terrorizing the entire store, just moments before all this...

I kneel down and talk to the snowflake, asking if they are having fun, smiling the entire time.

Snowflake takes one look at me, one look at the scale and decides this ain't happening.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I am sure the scream was audible somewhere in the orbit of Neptune.

Little Precious now starts kicking and yelling, pointing at the scale. Tears are falling fast enough to flood the Mojave. Other customers look at us either in fear, wondering what we are doing to the poor child, or in sympathy, or relief since it isn't their child--yet.

Mom is looking at me with apology all over her face.

The other child, in the spirit of the moment, decides they want attention. She starts screaming with the intent of setting off new decibel records.

Mom thanks me for the effort, and says she will just guess on size unless she can talk Snowflake into being measured. I tell her that I will leave her the scale and give her a brief how-to on using it should the twerp decide to be measured.

I get up, leave the scale on a bench and walk towards another customer.

INSTANT silence from Snowflake.

It's got to be me that Snowflake hates.

It's okay. I am not exactly her biggest fan either.

After all, I am evil incarnate.

Blah Friday

2008-11-29T22:10:00.000-08:00

Black Friday was a real let down this year.

I am not talking about the sales.

I am talking about the people.

Normally, I get something to happen that just makes me laugh my (considerable) ass off, or makes me shake my head and wonder how the human race has managed to survive this far.

This year, NADA.

What a waste.

In years past, I have had some really stupid people out there. The Furby incidents, the Tickle-Me-Elmo fights, the idiots camping out at 4 in the morning... this list never ends.

One incident I don't think I have relayed before goes back over ten years to when I worked at Kohl's in Overland Park, KS.

It was about 9 AM and the lines were about 10 deep on all 23 registers. We had 3 people working each register (one ringing, two bagging), and yet one woman had the nerve to start bitching about the day.

"I can't believe they don't have more people ringing!" Or "Why can't they move faster!" and my all time favorite, "Why do they let so many fucking people in here today?"

About this time, most of the people I worked with were reading to go Olympic on her, and invite her to a javelin toss, receiving end. But being the nice, friendly, considerate corporate slugs we were, we said nothing and smiled.

However, that didn't stop the people in line from saying what we wanted.

It was a beautiful moment. SuperBitch was in my line for her purchase, ranting all the time. The line was moving nicely (she had only been in line about 5 minutes, but it was an eternity to us), and most of the people were upbeat.

Finally, a lady in front of her decided she had had enough.

"Look, bitch. If you don't like crowds like today, why did you set foot outside the day after Thanksgiving, KNOWING how busy it was going to be?"

It was all we could do to not applaud her for saying what we so dearly wanted to.

Anyhow, hope you all had a great holiday. I got to pick BossLady up from the airport (she went to Vegas and didn't win enough for me to retire yet... bummer), and cook a not-so-traditional Thanksgiving dinner of Enchiladas. BossLady was happy, and that's all that matters.

Next up on our agenda, Disneyland for our 2 year anniversary (from the first date). More on that later, tho....

Give 'Em a Big Bird...

2008-11-26T22:44:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.

Hope someone gives you a really big bird...

To eat, that is.

Opening Shifts on Black Friday

2008-11-23T22:12:00.000-08:00

About ten years ago, I was working at Kohl's in Overland Park, KS and I had the joy of being one of the opening managers (I was a supervisor at the time, just learning the management side of things) for Black Friday. I didn't like the idea of being at work at 4 AM, but I liked the idea of being done by 2 PM.

I rolled into the parking lot and there was already a crowd there waiting!

I really wonder if people have a life. I mean, given a choice, I would have been home in bed waiting to get up (LATE!) and just be lazy. Getting up and sitting at a store before the sun is even thinking about having the thought of getting up is insane. I don't get it.

These people were hard core. It was something like 20 degrees outside, and these people had been there for hours. Insane.

What's fun is going in the front door with this crowd there. None of the lights are on, and you clearly are coming in to open, but these people were trying to come in with us. No can do. They were fighting with us to get in. We really threatened to call the police in order to get in! The people then had the guts to say we should let them in since it was cold!

Wait... weren't these the idiots that got up early to sit in the cold to be the first to go shopping? And I'm cruel for making you sit an extra 30 minutes in the cold? What am I missing?

Of course, it's fun when the doors do open and the crowds gush in like a dam bursting. It's clear within minutes what is THE item of the season. Tickle Me Elmo, Furby, Cabbage Patch Twerps... you name it.

Of course, watching how people react over THE toy is hilarious. People literally fighting over Furby (my store stopped selling them after a different retailer nearby had someone go to the hospital after fighting for one). Listening to the Tickle Me's as they come off the truck... kids screaming... You have to love it.

Side note: I was unloading a truck with our dock manager, J, and we unloaded a box that was laughing ("heheh.... that tickles!") with a sound that just made me sick ("Oboy oboy o BOY!"). When J and I opened the box, we found the Tickle Me Elmo face down with the Tickle Me Cookie Monster on top of him... Yup, Cookie Monster was busy sodomizing poor old Elmo... and we got to hear about it.

Think about that as you slug it out Black Friday

I No Longer Have the Only Say in the Matter...

2008-11-21T23:04:00.000-08:00

Fantastic news!

BossLady started her own blog tonight.

The sad thing is, this is no longer a one-sided story. She finally gets a say (I may as well get used to that!) in what goes on.

Check out her blog at

http://talesfromthedarkroom.blogspot.com/

Welcome aboard, Babe!!!

Open Open Open

2008-11-21T22:40:00.001-08:00

Black Friday is almost here.

Six Days, one hour and twenty minutes as I type this.

Oh joy.

Kids screaming, grown women fighting over toys, fathers asking where the nearest bar is...

Gods, I love humanity.

Black Friday conjures up some pretty interesting ideas. I plan on writing about some of my more memorable ones later next week (when BossLady is in Vegas partying up while I stay home and slave away...). Believe me. If you haven't worked a retail Black Friday, you won't believe the stories.

This year I am already exhausted. I have been replacing people on my store team for various reasons, and as a result, I am in the dreaded spot of training new hires the week of Thanksgiving. It's going to be a memorable year.

Those of you who have worked retail know that this is the time of year you dread, but at the same time, it's why you work. To me, it is the single most fun day of the year. The traffic is amazing. The people are funny, either intentionally or accidentally. The pace is amazing. And the numbers unbelievable.

Several years ago, Mervyn's ran an ad campaign for this where a lady was standing outside the store going "open, open, open" at something like three in the morning. It was clearly before the employees were supposed to be at work.

I HATED that ad.

It wasn't until years later that I learned people really do shit like that. I had to fight to get to the door of the store I was working at to get in and get the place running so those idiots could come trash the place.

Fun stuff.

Anyway... more later on some of my observations, both this year and years past.

Fires, Part II

2008-11-17T19:34:00.000-08:00

I promised pics that BossLady took with her phone. Here they are. Bear in mind, she took these in the early part of the afternoon.

The air here has gotten better, so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Fire

2008-11-16T21:16:00.000-08:00

By now I am sure everyone has heard of the fires here in Southern California. Part of the news coverage strikes me as sensationalism. Other parts strike me that they are downplaying it.

Bottom Line: Pretty Fucking Scary.

I know. BossLady and I live in a community where one of the fires is/was.

Here's the scoop.

Yesterday (Saturday), I was out running some errands before going to work, and I saw smoke coming from the area near where the Santiago Canyon Fire was in Irvine this time last year. I literally called home and said that the canyon was on fire again. I was apparently wrong. This fire started near Corona, or so the news reported.

All day yesterday, I watched the smoke cloud growing and moving towards my home. It was nerve wracking just watching and wondering and not knowing. All I got was snippets from customers, and while some was accurate, some was way off base. Frustrating.

I can only imagine what BossLady was thinking at home. She told me all she did was watch the news and watch the smoke cloud out the window and try not asphyxiate.

Driving home last night wasn't fun. As I was driving down Jamboree in Irvine/Tustin, I could see the glow (and some of the fire) from the Sylmar (aka Sayre) fire, over 70 miles to the north. It gave me a false sense of safety, since I couldn't see any light from the "Freeway Complex/Triangle Complex/Corona" fire (or whatever they are naming it this hour). The smoke was just unreal. It looked like it was snowing, but the temperatures were still in the 80's.

Driving the 55, I finally came to the 91 interchange, and as I came over the connector, I could see the entire ridge to the north of Yorba Linda/Brea just lit up. I could see flames leaping, smoke billowing and the smell was just lethal.

I got home, went inside, and BossLady was glued to the TV. The news was just terrible. By now, I am sure that everyone has seen the images by now, so I won't recap them. What was terrifying was that they were talking about places just 3 to 8 miles from my home and saying it was moving our direction. Evacuations were just blocks from here.

We finally went to bed last night wondering if we were going to get the knock on our door telling us to leave. We had packed several "emergency to go" bags just in case it happened. I know I woke up several times and peeked at the news coverage, and BossLady confessed to me that she woke up and checked the Internet for updates.

Not an easy night.

Anyway, we woke up to discover that the winds had changed, and the fire moved away from us. Relief for us, bummer for the people in Diamond Bar.

The fires were aided by the Santa Ana winds. These are high winds that come down off the mountains (gusts up to 80 miles an hour) and HOT! As the winds come down the hills, they get warmer. Add that to our already hot day (record heat in the area) with temps in the 90s in the area, it's just not a good day in the neighborhood.

Tonight, BossLady and I went less than a mile to the grocery store on Yorba Linda Boulevard. The difference in air quality was dramatic. It was like going to something from a holocaust movie. Just unreal.

As I type this, the fires are getting under control. Once again, the firefighters here in Orange County and Los Angeles County kick ass. These guys have balls the size of King Kong.

I do hope that if the fires were arson, that they get the guys who started them and seriously fry them. I hope they suffer like each family that they have left homeless. I hope they sit in fear like every family that sat glued to the TV last night wondering if they should flee.

The pictures I have put with this are ones I took with my cell phone. A couple are from Irvine, about 20 miles from the fire in Corona/Yorba Linda. All you see is the smoke cloud, but it's bad enough. The others were taken from the streets near my home this morning, and the other was taken from the 91 freeway this morning.

BossLady is sending me some more pics that she took with her phone. They are much more dramatic as they were closer to the action (the cloud she photographed was only about 7 miles away).

To all that were directly affected by this mess, I hope for the best for you. I know that OC rallied around the fire victims last year, and I hope they do the same this time. If you know anyone in the area who may be affected, please reach out to them and let them know you care. It makes a difference.

2008-11-14T20:44:00.000-08:00

The Urban Dictionary (http://www.urbandictionary.com/) defines alcohol the following ways (and this is a very limited selection of their definitions).

1.alcohol

The cause of, and solution to all life's problems. To ALCOHOL: The cause of, and solution to all life's problems.

2.alcohol

A substance found in beer (except American beer) and several other beverages that makes you excessively happy, sad, belligerent or horny. It allows white men to dance and ugly men to get laid (when given to their victim). You wanna get with that hottie? You're gonna need lots of alcohol!

3.alcohol

Liquid Panty Remover

"Man alcohol is like liquid panty remover, you see that hot drunk chick over there, she's gonna get boned tonight."

4.Alcohol

The antidote to reality. reality is for people that can't handle drugs and alcohol.

My district at work won a contest back in August/September for the Back to School Season, and my company just recently got around to giving us our prize money. We had several options as to what to do with it. One was go to Knotts Berry Farm and toss our cookies. Another was a bowling party. 24 Managers in our district decided on Dave and Busters to practice bending the elbows.

Fun.

I learned something (again) tonight.

24 Managers can drink our DM into bankruptcy.

The above pictures are just a little blurry because that's how I was (am) when I took them with my cell phone. It was a good time, and yes, our bar tab was over $1800. Unlike the last time we did this, I wasn't the last one out this time.

Have a good weekend.

I am off to have another beer or sober up.

Or both.

We've Got Big Balls

2008-11-13T21:49:00.000-08:00

The crazy people are all over the place.

BossLady and I went bowling tonight, and while I am beating the living crap outta her, two mothers and four boys (the oldest being MAYBE 10 years old) start playing on the lanes next to us.

Okay...

BossLady knows I am not a big fan of kids. Some can be fantastic, well behaved and a great sign of the things to come. Others? C'mon people, invest in some birth control or parenting classes, please.

BossLady was enjoying a rare time when she was beating me (barely). About this time, the boys (all four of them) decide that the lanes they are on are not enough. They started running down their lanes (onto the playing surface!) and the youngest (maybe 5 years old) started break dancing on the approaches, right into where we were playing. A couple of times, I almost kicked them during my turns. Another time, each of us came close to hitting the boys with our back swings with our balls.

To make matters worse, each of the mothers was taking flash photos during the games.

Think about this. People throwing big balls being suddenly blinded. I was seriously tempted to "accidentally" throw the ball the wrong way... say... towards the photographer. Sounds like fair play to me.

BossLady did the smart thing. She told one of the mothers to control her kids or that I was likely to do my best Rambo impersonation on her boys.

The bowling alley finally agreed to our request to change lanes for the safety of the boys.

Some of you may laugh at BossLady and I for bowling, but too fucking bad. We took it up earlier this year as something for us to do together outside the home. We got so into it that we broke down and got balls of our own, shoes, etc. Eventually, we will find time after all the wedding planning and whatnot to join a league.

I routinely beat her ass.

So we have started a new scoring method now. We both still go for our personal bests, but now the winner is the one who gets the highest over their average. I'm still gonna smoke her.

I used to bowl on leagues growing up. When I lived in Antioch, CA, a friend got me into a bowling league. I loved it. When we moved to Kansas City, their was a bowling alley on Richards-Gebaur AFB where we lived, so I bowled there as well. I got involved in theatre in high school, so I dropped it for a while. When Mom got transferred to Marine Corps HQ in Washington, DC, I joined her Marine Corps intramural league. I loved it.

Throughout college, I bowled for kicks with friends whenever the mood struck us. But I stopped after graduating college.

BossLady's idea to go play last spring really struck a good cord with me.

And people wonder why I dropped the Big Q on her?

Baby Bombs

2008-11-10T21:21:00.001-08:00

Baby Bomb: (n)-- The loaded diaper of an infant. Usually falling in the 1o-15 pound fully-loaded range. It's nothing short of toxic waste, and just as hard to dispose of. Pampers ain't kidding folks.

Kids in stores are a bad mix.

Infants in stores are scary.

Bad parents and the above should just be criminal.

Today started like any other Monday in my store. Quiet. A few people from the shopping complex bounce in and talk about the economy for a few before heading off to their jobs. A couple of yuppie parents come in shopping with their preschool kids. Nothing glamorous, nothing shocking.

Somewhere mid-morning, a mother comes in with her infant (I can't guess the boys' age. He isn't talking yet, and barely walking) in a stroller. The first thing she does is take the boy out of the stroller and lets him walk around.

Then it gets scary.

The mother wanders off to shop for herself in the aisle with her size, leaving the infant boy to play by the front door, completely ignoring him!

That isn't a misprint.

The child starts trying to push the door open. Another parent in the store takes the child back to the mother. She turns him loose immediately.

The child now starts pulling items off the bottom shelves and chews (teethes?) on them, ruining over $200 worth of merchandise.

I take the twit back to her and ask her to please watch her child as she could be liable for the damaged product.

She doesn't speak English (conveniently).

I walk away, with child firmly in mother's grasp.

Not more than two minutes later, the boy is behind my counter chewing on the extra cordless phone and trying to fry his measly little gonads on the power cables hidden under the counter. Mother is nowhere to be found.

I finally convince young Tokyo Jones to leave the counter (and give me my phone back) and find his mother, mostly by smiling and saying "find mommy" with little result.

Out with the Windex to clean all the baby slobber off my store. As I start cleaning the counter where Little Mr. Slobber Fest has been, I notice a rather pungent aroma. I don't like it. The kid bunny'd under my counter?!?! Damn little fart broke wind like a rabid hurricane! Now I need to go buy some Febreeze!

I look up to see that the Slobber Bomb has tried to walk out the store again. This time, I tell his mother to please put the child back in the stroller and keep an eye on the brat or I will call the police for child endangerment. She stares at me blankly. Real winner here.

I go up to the front of my store to ring a purchase for another customer. They ask me if I would like them to call child protective services. I thank them, and tell them that I have it under control, all the while wishing I could drop this kid like a three foot putt.

By now, Junior has planted himself by the accessory items by my front register. The aroma I noticed earlier is getting very strong. (I mean, it was killing the fake plants type strong.) The little Beelzebub was sitting there putting anything he could into his mouth. Shoe laces, spray cans... you name it. I quickly grab everything I can and move it out of his reach (or so I think).

By now, the mother has finally realized that her darling little angel is creating hell, and she is about to get the bill. This is after half an hour. And I thought I was slow on the uptake with kids.

Mother finally comes over and picks up her boy. As she lifts him into his stroller, I discover that the smell is indeed him. His diaper is full. And by full, I mean it LITERALLY was overflowing the top of his diaper and down his pants.

That, my friends, is a nuclear baby bomb first class.

On a side note, I am looking for to post stories for Black Friday. Send me your horror stories. I have a few of my own, but would love to get other people in the action!

Coconut Cat Crap

2008-11-06T21:21:00.000-08:00

We have a killer in our apartment.

I don't get it. Started so small. So innocent. So cute. Such a pain in the ass.

BossLady's cat has been an adventure.

Don't get me wrong. The cat is an absolute riot, and I can't imagine coming home to not seeing her any more than I could without finding BossLady.

The ThunderButt was a gift from a former employee of mine, The Mother Of God. Her daughter's cat had its seven hundredth litter (give or take a few). BossLady wanted one. So before I moved down to SoCal, I took some pics of the litter, and BossLady chose her kitty. We then spent the next two months figuring out a name, which we got from corrupting a character's name in a Musical we both like. Hence, we have Fiyera (named after Fiyero in the musical, WICKED).

We took a day last summer and drove up to the Bay Area and got our resident furrball. Six hours up, two hours playing with the litter, and six hours home.

The drive back was an adventure. We stopped in San Jose and got lunch at McNasty's, and about that time, the little fuzzball started screaming. Apparently, we didn't get her to her cat box in time. She dropped her load all over the front of my car. And she was POTENT! So we broke out the extra air freshener I had in my car... and spent the next 5 and half hours smelling coconut cat crap. I will never eat McDonalds again.

ThunderButt was the smallest kitten in her litter. Now? I think her mission in life is to be at least 60 pounds. She's well on her way. You can feel her running down the hall. Bookcases rattle, walls shake, mothers pull babies off the sidewalks...

ThunderButt likes to play. She is constantly chasing us in the kitchen. I can't remember the last time I took a crap without her supervision. She sits in the bathtub while you do your stuff. She howls like a banshee if you lock her out.

CATS!

The other night, BossLady and I discovered we have a killer/hunter living here. We were online checking out sites for our upcoming wedding (only 10 months left to plan.... just shoot me now), and I hear ThunderButt playing in our closet. I look down, and Fiyera is taking her latest kill out to the living room. She had BossLady's boot in her mouth and a proud look on her face.

CATS!

We won't talk about the times I hear the ThunderButt run followed by her launching herself on the bed... and using me as a trampoline to the window.

CATS!

I can't go thru San Jose anymore without smelling Coconut Cat Crap.

It's a Crime

2008-11-06T21:20:00.000-08:00

BossLady is trying to convert me to watching her crime shows.

I don't do blood.
I don't do guts.
I get sick thinking about tossing my own cookies.

So she's trying to convert me and getting me excited about watching others do this shit?

I don't get it.

Coincidence?

2008-10-30T21:46:00.001-07:00

Coincidence?
A car is on the side of the freeway, changing a tire.

Oakland Raiders bumper sticker.

A car drives by with its fender missing.

Oakland Raiders window decal.

I see this every day. And it wasn't just here in OC or the LA area I saw it. It was the same way up in the Bay Area, or when I was in KC.

Coincidence?

I think not.

Must be the same everywhere?

Death By Any Other Name...

2008-10-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

Which is more depressing?

Estate Planning (IE writing a will, funeral plans, nursing homes, etc)

OR.....

Wedding Planning?

Oh, wait.... they're the same thing.

I Don't Do Hospitals

2008-10-27T16:49:00.000-07:00

Saturday sucked.

I woke up with a really bad pain in my chest and tingling in my left arm. First reaction... wake the BossLady up and GET MY SORRY ASS TO A HOSPITAL!

I have three phobias. Needles. Elevators. Doctors. (Doctors are only because they tend to wield needles....) It's been my experience that going to a hospital is a real good way to have to confront all three of them at once. Time to change your shorts, junior.

BossLady drove me to an ER nearby while my mother was kind enough to call my boss without coming unglued.

I don't know how long I was in the ER. I know they did an EKG on me, and naturally, here come the needles. IVs and blood work. (And there I am, passing out...) Doctors putting cold stuff on me... and then off to Xray (bet that means a ride on an elevator... shudder).

Well, the Xrays came out clean, and radiology was on the same floor.

Doc finally came back and told me I was one of the first victims of the Flu in So Cal this year. Joy and bliss. I coulda done without. The kicker is I have some inflammation of the cartilage in my ribs, so breathing is an absolute bitch right now.

Doc said take the next three days off and go from there. He also gave me some vicodin to kill the pain. (It didn't... it only took the edge off it.)

I don't do the flu.

And I hate hospitals.

A Little Love

2008-10-24T21:16:00.000-07:00

People hear me rant about the crazy or stupid stuff that goes on daily in retail quite a bit. Sometimes, good stuff happens out of the blue as well.

Yesterday I returned to work after being out for two weeks (vacation and other issues). Any time I miss after a length of time (vacations included), I get really nervous about going back in. Yesterday was no exception. I walked into my store, and MysteryGirl was there. She almost broke into tears and came up to me and demanded a hug. I don't know if she knew how tough walking in was for me, but that one single action told me it would be okay. She made my day.

MysteryGirl wasn't the only one to tell me they missed me. We drop our deposits in person at a nearby bank. Since I am there almost there daily, they have gotten to know me a bit. The two merchant tellers are total smart asses, and friends to boot. Both looked at me and teased me about running away. They also told me I found another job while I was away. (I hadn't. I had interviewed and the jury is still out on one, I shot the other down. But that's not why. Their company has picked off several of my best people in the past.) Both told me they missed me, which is very unusual for them to tell a customer. So unusual that one of the other tellers asked me who I was and what I did to those two...

I also had a few of our regulars stop in and tell me they missed me. I have NEVER had that happen in any of the other retail positions I have held over the last twenty years.

For all the crazy, stupid and funny stuff they do, sometimes people can do the most amazing things by saying something simple.

Thanks to everyone who made my Thursday.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To follow up on a prior post, I did go back for a second interview with a company in Los Angeles. I turned the position down after an all day second interview. Basically, I had problems with the ethics of the company (which I won't name) and I felt the position was a step in the wrong direction for me in my career. I had done similar work with a very similar company up in San Francisco.

No Thanks.

I did, while driving home from LAX, have an interview over the phone with another retailer (not in direct competition to my current job). That went rather well (which probably means I won't get it) and I should hear back next week.

Should be a fun week.

Hot Times

2008-10-17T18:28:00.000-07:00

It's the middle of October. Why is it almost 100 degrees outside?

I had an interview down by LAX today (which I later learned I made to the second round Monday!!!) and as I was driving home, the outside temp according to my car hit 98 degrees.

Okay, so this is California where it's illegal to get cold (seriously, we call in sick for our snow days if the temp gets below 50... sometimes 60), but this is insane.

Screw this. I'm off to the beach and sightseeing.

Monterey

2008-10-13T09:55:00.000-07:00

So for BossLady's 21st birthday, I took this week off (mostly... have to cover a couple of short shifts, but that's life).

We started last Friday with her getting out of class and into the car. I hadn't told her where she was going, so she packed for anything. The plans called for that, so it was good. All she know was that we were going to be driving for anywhere from 2 hours to 8. No idea of direction or where. The only hint she had was that it was near water.

We took off in OC traffic, but early enough that we missed the worst of it. I was inadvertently making it worse by being in off ramp lanes that could take us multiple directions (she thought I was doing this to torment her... wish I had thought of that). We ended up cruising up the 210 to the Grapevine and over.

She passed out in the car. So much for suspense.

I took her out to Paso Robles, which took us by the crash site where James Dean was killed. We stopped for a moment at the memorial and then back into the car. At this point, she wasn't sure if we were just taking a strange way up to the Bay Area or just going to Monterey.

We got into Monterey about 7, got dinner and relaxed. We noticed immediately that it was COLD! I mean, it was freezing! It had to be in the upper 40's or something. BRRRRS!

We got some sleep, got up the next day to crystal blue skies and took off for Cannery Row. Our day started by going to the Monterey Bay Aquarium (which I HIGHLY recommend to anyone even considering going to the area). We did the entire experience, from watching the penguins get fed to the Deep Ocean exhibit feeding (man, those tuna are FAST!) to just going out on the deck and enjoying the views of the bay. We also did the behind the scenes tour, which actually got us to feed one of the exhibits (the Kelp Forest tank... we fed the speedier fish in the tank). All in all, a great experience at the Aquarium.

After the Aquarium, we went shopping along Cannery Row. We played a bit of mini golf in black light (yeah, the BossLady won), and just walked around. It was a beautiful day. We got the Aqua Massages towards the end of the day, and then dinner at the waters edge. Then back to the hotel.

One thing bombed on the trip, and that was our plans to see a mutual friend from Gilroy (and get some of the world's best garlic). Schedules for both parties just didn't work, so we will do it next time.

Anyhow... BossLady was very happy with the trip for her birthday. Now all I have is 2 months to plan Xmas and 4 to plan Valentines day for her before attacking her next birthday. There just isn't enough time...

Solitaire

2008-10-08T21:21:00.000-07:00

Playing solitaire drunk is an exercise in futility.

And pretty freakn lame!

Nectar of the Freakin' Gods!!!

2008-10-08T21:04:00.001-07:00

ALCO-MO-HOL!!!!!!

WOOOHOOOO!!!!

BossLady had fun for part one of her birthday.

She drove me to work so she could swipe my car for the day, which was a good thing, since she needed the extra space.

She raided the BevMo in Long Beach.

It was her 21st birthday (HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY LADY!).

I don't know how much she spent, but I know I won't need to stock up for a bit.

Probably something like 2 months.

Or 2 minutes, knowing us.

Anyhow....

I took her to dinner in Newport Beach at the Cheesecake Factory there, per her request. It was her first time ordering a LOADED drinks.

FUN!

She knows more is coming this week, but doesn't know what.

She knows we are going out of town.

She knows water is involved.

Beyond that?

That's my dirty little secret.

Let's just say she is going to grow up a LOT this weekend.

Or not.

Will keep you posted....

Today was good.

A friend and manager from the same company as me came to my store and complimented how we are doing, which means a lot to me in these times. He is one of the top managers in our district, and for him to say good things about my store is a plus.

That and he can drink me under the table without trying (I must have lost my touch since college... damn!).

Anyway, he is going to look after my store and crew while I take a short vacation next week. What a guy.

So I bought him a few drinks after work today.

Let me tell you, it made driving in OC a TON of fun tonight.

I only had two, and made them do a sobriety check on me before I left (which I aced).

I think I would have been better off driving buzzed in OC traffic. At least that way I wouldn't drive scared.

When I got home, it was time for another beer.

Gotta love the BossLady. She's got me stocked up.

BUZZZZZZ!!!!

Feel no pain....

Alcohol is such a beautiful thing...

BEER ME!

Going.. Going... Crazy

2008-10-02T22:25:00.000-07:00

BossLady has her 21st Birthday Monday.

Finally. She can buy her own drinks.

Mine too, while she's at it.

I have been planning a trip for her, and she isn't helping.

She wants a surprise.

This is actually all my fault.

Before I moved to SoCal, I drove down here once to spend a weekend playing around with her on her birthday. (Keep it clean, you perverts. We weren't dating. Yet.)

She had never been to Six Flags Magic Mountain, so I took her. And we had a blast.

Check that. She had a blast. I had a SEVERE case of frustration. (And that 6 hour drive home after the weekend seemed more like six years.)

I started that weekend by meeting her at her dorm in Long Beach. I brought her some things for her birthday (I can't recall exactly what, but I do know Hangar One Vodka ( http://www.hangarone.com/) was part of it, as was a dozen roses). We stayed in her room for a bit, then headed down to Second Street.

We did some ceramics at a place called Color Me Mine, where you get to select your piece then paint it, and they fire it and you pick it up later in the week. BossLady did a Mug and Saucer, while I opted for two baby dragons. I was trying to drop some serious hints, so I painted them to match, a his and hers pair. My dragon was red and yellow, while the one I painted for her was pink and purple.

That hint got seriously ignored.

We went to dinner that night. More frustration.

I ended up back at my mother's place in Anaheim around midnight. Much to my delight (sarcasm), my sister and her youngest was there, too. Very crowded apartment! I got lost getting back to the apartment, since I still hadn't figured out the freeways in Orange County/Los Angeles yet (has anyone?). I took a wrong exit and ended up in Newport Beach, 20 miles away. Nice.

The next morning started with my sister, my niece and I all fighting over the shower and me tripping out waiting for BossLady to arrive. She finally did, and off to Valencia to ride some kick ass roller coasters! My sister was there with the kid, so I had to behave within reason. Bummer.

We spent the day riding all the coasters and just having a blast. We hit Goliath, which was one of the tallest in the country at the time (and BossLady still hasn't forgiven me for that!), Colossus both forwards and backwards (they put a train on so you ride backwards during October), Batman, the Riddler's Revenge, the Revolution, and the newest, Tatsu. And the log ride. Soaking wet in October. Bliss.

We got home late that night, after BossLady said she never slept in the car (not the first time I would hear that). I played in traffic on the 5. Fun.

The next day, I drove my sister and niece home (well, to where they were living at the time). I hated the drive. My niece was in LaLa land in the back of my old Sportage. My sister was railing on me about family, and I was missing BossLady something fierce, which wasn't helped by her constant texting to me.

I know I did other things on that trip, but I was told I set a high standard for BossLady that day.

Last year for her birthday, I took her to Disneyland. I gave her a package to carry around all day. About 3PM, outside Sleeping Beauty's Castle at the Wishing Well, I had her open that package. She said YES!

This year.... WELL.... help?

I have a trip planned, but some of the smaller details need help. I was going to bounce those ideas off her, but she won't let me. She does know the trip involves the coast, and either hiking or kayaking. She knows it involves a car trip.

It's not Las Vegas. Her family is doing that to her.

I am open to suggestions on some of the smaller details. Some things I have dead to rights, other little things I am thinking I am just going to wing it. I just hope that it live up to her expectations.

I do know that planning this all summer has been driving me nuts. My first three plans for it got nixed, so I am losing what hair I don't have. Not fun.

Anyhow, I hope she's happy.

I am screwed for next year, tho.

Why do I do this to me????

Going crazy is so much easier, and not nearly as expensive.

Happy Early Birthday, BossLady.

Going to Hell in a Dozen Handbags

2008-09-26T22:51:00.000-07:00

I don't understand women.

Check that. NO men understand women.

Well, maybe Hugh Hefner, but that's a different story. (How the devil does that fossil have that many hot young women crawling around his bed? Wait... they're plastic, so it doesn't count.... But I digress.)

One young man at my store today started getting his education on women's OTHER side... And it ain't the sexy one.

An older lady and what was obviously her son came to the store today and were shopping around. They made their selections and placed them on my counter. As I started ringing the purchase, the mother went over and started checking out the handbags. That's when the fun began.

"You don't need another purse!" the young man said.

His mother's jaw hit the floor. I don't know if she was in shock that he would talk to her in public that way, or that he committed the sacrilege of telling a woman she doesn't need another handbag.

"What do you mean?" she replied.

"You already have 13 of 'em" he complained.

She grabbed the one she was looking at and put it with her purchase.

At this point, I had to get involved.

"Can I ask you a personal question?" I inquired.

"Sure."

"How old are you?" I asked, smiling and knowing he couldn't be more than half my age.

"17. Why?" he asked.

"You will learn!" I replied.

His mother started laughing.

"Learn what?"

"That women never have too many handbags or shoes. Trust me. Just accept this fact now and your life will be a lot easier, specially when you get serious with someone someday. Just accept the fact that the closet is for her, and it gets a LOT easier!"

His mother just grinned.

Mentor

2008-09-22T21:18:00.000-07:00

People are the best part of retail, as well as the worst. Sometimes, they are both at the same time.

I received an email from a friend and former co-worker of mine back in Kansas City today. This friend is in a serious quandary with a job she loves, and it's messing with me being 1800 miles away and not able to help.

SR started in my department just after I got my first promotion into "legitimate" management over 10 years ago. She was one of my first hires, and one of the first people for me to interview. Guess I did all right, as she is still working there and loving it.

SR has always had a very twisted and fun sense of humor. She literally could find the humor in any situation, and knew just when to make everyone laugh. Even better, she knew when not to do that as well, and when to be the supportive friend, to hell with ranks and such at work.

When I left KC, she and I traded contact information, and through the years have maintained contact. When I go back to KC and visit friends, she is one I go out of my way to see. One trip, she and I piled into her car and drove to St. Louis for a day. It was a highlight of that trip. I can also remember her throwing a surprise party for me at my favorite bar (Johnny's Tavern in Overland Park, KS) when I flew out one time, though I don't recall leaving that party, and I deny all her stories about said exit...

Today I got an email from her asking about a touchy situation at work. She has had some health issues, and it appears that the DM has taken away one of the key accommodations that allows her to continue her job. The reason, she told me, was that it was aesthetically unappealing. She was understandably upset when she went to her boss and was told to deal with it (though that boss did use much more polite language than that!).

SR wanted to know what she should do. Yes, I would like your input.

What was cool about this was that SR is still seeking me out for advice, even 10 years after I stopped being her boss.

I know her manager. In fact, I was very surprised to find that the manager she is talking about is the very same one I was an assistant to when I worked in that same store! And it's even more shocking to me that this same manager is taking such a hard line on this, since I knew her to be a very fair person.

Retail Drama. Gotta love it.

My advice to SR was to have her sit down off the sales floor with her boss and talk. Explain why this decision is such a problem to her, and seek pro-active solutions. Maybe they can come to an understanding and therefore a reasonable solution that makes everyone happy and healthy. Maybe they could try a couple of solutions to see if something is possible without just saying NO.

Here's hoping that I helped for once.

Things like this are the best part of retail to me. I made a positive impact on SR, and she never lets me forget it (or the birthday party I had at Johnny's that one time...). And what's more, she still trusts my judgement after all this time knowing me. Wow.

I can honestly say that I still maintain contact with at least one person from every retail job I have had, save one (at Ames, in Woodbridge, VA, when I was in high school). Some still come to me for advice, or just a different perspective on something (Like, what in the hell is management thinking? Make this make sense to me!). Sometimes, it's just to rant. Others, it's because we just bonded well as a team and made good friends. Sometimes, I just follow up on them because that's what I do. It's a people business, but you can't forget the people making it happen.

I hope that SR comes to a positive solution. I would hate to see her leave a job she loves over something stupid, ten years after she learned to love that job.

Besides, if she's still there ten years after I hired her, I got her into this mess. I don't want to be held responsible!

Fear is a GREAT Motivator

2008-09-15T22:06:00.000-07:00

Audits are not fun. Neither is inventory. And it's even worse with both combined.

You get up insanely early. You go in, get handed a scanner, spend x number of hours just scanning everything. Beep... beep... beep... beep... You just go insane with boredom. Your arm gets tired carrying that damned thing.

Then the auditor gets her fun... she gets to rip you a new one for your paperwork. Every little detail is pulled apart. It's like being sodomized by a troupe of rabid giraffes (not that I would know about that first-hand or anything).

And if you are lucky, she lets you go home with your body still in tact.

And that's just the day of the audit/inventory.

Prior to it, it's the stress of making sure everything is perfect. Now, if you have done your job right, it's no big deal. You try to run your store by the audit standards day in and day out, but invariably, something doesn't go right. Someone on your staff cuts a corner, and you get absolutely raked for it. Prep your ass off, and it goes for naught with one lazy shortcut by a newbie.

After everything, it's the days of nerves waiting for your results. Will you still have a job? Why isn't my DM speaking to me right now? Why did LP answer the phone "Oh, it's YOU!"? Who's this new Manager-in Training? Are they taking my spot if I get axed?

And then there's the results.

And then you sleep again.

I bring this up since I helped another store in my area today with his audit, which is a LOT less stressful. You sympathize with the manager in question, knowing that your turn is coming (my audit is next week, so no making fun of my rival/peer today), but at the same time, part of you wants them to look bad so that you look that much better. Mean, yes. Self-preservation? YES!

Inventories can be a lot different. When I worked for a furniture company, it was putting stickers on everything in my location, which meant I had to know where everything was, right down to the smallest fake plant. Face it, it's kinda hard to misplace a sofa sectional, but a 4" plastic plant? That bitch could be anywhere...

Other companies I have worked for have hired in another company specializing in inventory scanning. In that case, it's just prep till you scream, then keep an eye on them during the actual process without chewing your fingers to your armpits.

Here's hoping my audit goes well...

National Pastime, Part Two

2008-09-14T20:04:00.000-07:00

So today BossLady and I did something I hadn't done in a while... gone to a GIANTS game! Okay, so the game was in San Diego, but that can be fun. Last time I did that, the Padres played in old Qualcomm Stadium (where the NFL Chargers play) and I saw Barry Bonds absolutely CRUSH the ball!

We got there early since this was the first trip to Petco Park for both of us. We got in, walked around the stadium and then found our seats on the first base side on the lower level. We settled in and watched a wild game. Barry Zito looked like a $126 million flop for the Giants and the rest of the Giants... well, it wasn't promising early. It did get better as the Giants bullpen took off and rescued the game. The Giants ultimately won the game 8-6 in ten innings.

The crowd was funny. A LOT of Giants fans in attendance, from all over. I met several from the Bay Area and several from SoCal. Even the usher in our section, John, was from the Bay Area and a big Giants fan. He even came over and gave us a two-cent tour of the stadium and told us what to look at. Fun. The crowd only got loud when the scoreboard called for noise or the Chargers were winning (they could tell from TV's in the luxury suites). Odd. Giants fans were louder than the home team fans!

One thing really cool for me was meeting Omar Vizquel, a future Hall of Fame Shortstop on the Giants. He signed my visor and let me get a picture with him. He was a complete gentleman and very friendly.

Anyhow... it was a great day in San Diego for us. Here are a couple of pics from the game.

Chatsworth

2008-09-12T17:53:00.000-07:00

As I am sitting here, getting ready to watch some baseball, I get a call telling me to watch the news. I see the remains of the Chatsworth train wreck in LA County. 7 freight cars and one Metrolink cars derailed. The Metrolink engine is off the track and one of the Union Pacific engines. A couple of the boxcars appear to be totally demolished.

Once again, I am grateful to the men and women of the LA County Police and Fire Departments. I understand via Channels 2 (KCBS), Channel 5 (KTLA) and Channel 7 (KABC) that other departments are involved in the rescue effort. Thanks again so much for helping each other... and US!... out of danger. The efforts they are making to get to help those still trapped is amazing.

I can only imagine what it is like. The damage on TV is horrific, and those people have to go help out.

As I sit and watch the coverage, I see how far the Metrolink engine was crushed into the first passenger car. They are saying the train was only going 25 MPH. So far, only 3 reported fatalities (and my heart goes out to those families). [Check that... KABC is now saying 4]. I fear it will only get worse as they clear the wreckage.

My mother saw the wreckage and immediately thought of the Glendale wreck a couple of years ago, which was caused by a guy (later convicted of murder) who parked his SUV on the tracks causing a major wreck.

LA County Rescue teams.... you guys are the best.

National Pastime, Part One

2008-09-12T12:01:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, my mother asked me if BossLady and I would be interested in going to an Angels game here in Anaheim. We said yes. Last night was the night we went, and while we knew it was 9-11, it didn't register that it would be covered by special events at the Big A. Both the Anaheim (sorry, I will NEVER call them Los Angeles) Angels and the Seattle Mariners wore their special flag hats and there were memorials prior to the game. The color guard was by the Orange County Fire Departments, and there was a moment of silence. Simple things, but they meant a lot.

Now before anyone gets any bright ideas, my mother, BossLady and I are all HUGE HUGE HUGE San Francisco Giants fans, which makes sense since we all are from the SF Bay Area originally. And I still haven't forgiven the Anaheim Angels for stealing the 2002 World Series trophy. We won't even talk about what I think of that blasted Rally Monkey.

But I do follow the Angels. I followed the Kansas City Royals when I lived there, and the Baltimore Orioles when I lived in the Washington, DC area (the Nationals hadn't vacated Montreal yet). I followed the Oakland Athletics a bit (Bay Area rivalry... hard to get my hands into the green and gold without feeling like a traitor). But I will NEVER root for Dodger Blue.

BossLady and I have a few Halos items, but we decided to get into it for this game, since the Angels had clinched the Division Title the day before. So we decked ourselves out in Angels red and hats and had a good time sitting in the left field pavilion behind the bullpens. It was a beautiful night, and a good game.

The crowds down here in Anaheim have no life. The stadium was so quiet! I mean, we could hear the rats farting under the bleachers... And it's concrete bleachers! It was like this last year when we came to see Oakland play late in the season with both teams in a playoff push. Where's the energy?

I say that having lived in some really cool sports towns. The Giants push in 2002 was fun, and PacBell (or whatever name it is this week) was an electric place to be. Oakland in the late 80's and early 90's was a riot in the bleachers every night. Kansas City in the days of George Brett and Frank White was just intense with very knowledgeable fans in the seats. Washington with the Redskins and KC with the Chiefs are just crazy places to be, the Tank in San Jose for the Sharks is an ear-splitting experience, and even Anaheim with the Ducks (when they don't let the Sharks fans drown 'em out!)

So I really don't get the lack of energy in the seats last night. I hope OC is not making the fatal mistake of taking this team and it's success the last few years for granted.

Anyhow, we had a good time with my mother's work and as always, we enjoyed a good game of baseball. Nothing better than a SoCal night watching baseball...

The pictures above are from last night. Hope you enjoy.

Save My Ass

2008-09-11T16:37:00.000-07:00

9-11-01

Once again, thank you to all the service men in New York and Washington who responded.

I like to think the crews we have here in Orange County kick ass, too, given their work last year on the Santiago Fire in Irvine.

The other day I saw something while driving home that just drove me nuts.

I was driving down the road near a fire station when I saw the truck light up and come out the driveway. Legally, you HAVE to move out of the way. Did anyone? NO. Bastards. Self-righteous pricks.

All I could think was that if I was in an accident or any other type of life threatening incident, I would want those motherfuckers out of the way so the guys trained to save my ass could do just that: SAVE MY SORRY ASS!

While I would never wish pain on anyone (well, maybe my ex... but that's another story), I do hope some of these people who won't get out of the way for emergency crews will someday find themselves in a situation where they need rescue teams NOW, and some other prick causes the crews to be just a little bit late.

Maybe I am just being cruel by that. I don't know or care. All I know is these guys put it all on the line every time that siren goes off, and I don't need some self imposed god in his BMW feeling like it's not his job to get out of the way causing someone to suffer.

Maybe they could start writing tickets for that?

Apparently Columbus Was Persian... Or Was It Afghan?

2008-09-09T20:25:00.000-07:00

It's a rant.

Today I set a record. I got told off.

That's not the record.

The record is that each time, I was told off in Farsi.

Next time, I will just save a lot of time and effort and go postal after the first one. Or at least find a beer to drown myself in.

Each one of the people yelling at me were upset that I don't speak Farsi (never mind that it is considered THE toughest language to learn if not your native tongue).

The last one got to me. Her closing argument was "you should learn to speak Farsi like everyone else here!"

Say what??

When did Farsi become the native language of Southern California?

I know that there is a heavy Hispanic population here (Santa Ana has the highest Hispanic concentration in the States). So I can see Spanish as a necessary language. I even respect the history of Spanish being spoken in California since this state was originally a Spanish (and later Mexican) territory that was taken over by the US.

I understand the history of English here, since parts of California were discovered by the English.

Native American languages make sense since they beat everyone here.

I could even understand, though it is a long stretch, French being spoken here since they settled a large part of the North American Continent.

Hell, I could understand Chinese, since so many came over to help build the railroads and take part of the gold rush.

Portuguese as well, as they were major players in the settling of the Americas.

Remind me what part of the settling, growth and development of California, nay, the American Continents, was played by Persia or any Middle Eastern country? Or even Afghan country?

History books are always missing something (they are only as reliable as people's memory), but to miss a whole fucking country in something so vital as the history of our state?

Last time I checked, English is spoken in just about EVERY country in the world. It's the language of transportation and business. Even Canadians speak it. Rumor has it parts of the deep south do, too.

I am not advocating a national language. But I am one of those people who believe that if you come here, make an attempt to learn the customs and language here. I know if I moved to your home, I would be REQUIRED to learn yours.

So go ahead and bitch at me. I really don't care if you do. But to yell at me for not speaking a "native tongue" when it's YOUR tongue in MY home? Get a fucking life.

And go home.

Job Security

2008-09-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's not the customer or employee that does stupid shit. Sometimes, it's the company.

In the complex I work, there is a One-Time Giant retailer that has fallen on hard times. They recently decided to close the location where I work. The "STORE CLOSING EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!" signs went up two weeks ago. Today, they increased the size of the signs, like that will save them.

What really got me laughing was what I saw this morning as I drove by the store.

Bear in mind, those Closing signs are everywhere. There are six of them by each entrance, four of them on the top of the building facing each direction, and three on the street blinding drivers.

Driving by this morning, I noticed at each entrance, right below the Store Closing signs, was a sign in large print stating "NOW HIRING"!

That's right. Now hiring for a job that will end in 3 weeks.

Am I missing something?

You can start a job just to have the company quit on you for a change. Nice.

What's really fun with customers is how they seem to think that every other store in the complex knows why that one store is closing. While I do talk with other managers in the complex, business information like that is usually considered confidential by retailers, and as a result, it's a terminal offense to disclose it (one of the reasons I am vague about work details). We do speculate with each other, since most of the stores around me are small, and the big anchor stores don't speak with us that much.

On a side note, I did learn bribing my team gets great results. I had challenged my team to hit certain performance goals and I would cook for them. They hit the goals, so I made enchiladas for them. They have decided I can cook. I agree with the thought.... feed me and I will do just about anything (I have SOME limits, so don't get all your, er... hopes... up).

Flying Low

2008-09-05T20:49:00.000-07:00

Driving in Southern California is an oxymoron. It's more like "get in your car and prey".

I moved to So Cal a little over a year and a half ago, and I have already started figuring out the "rules" of the road down here, which means they will change when I drive to work in the morning.

There are only 3 speeds: Very Slow, Very Fast, and HOLY SHIT!
Turn signals are for prey animals. It means you are vulnerable and scared shit less on the roads here.
Don't bother checking your blind spot or mirrors. There is someone there driving a bigger car than you and carrying a weapon. Deal with it.
Horns are for music.
The Freeways are designed for you to get lost on. You came, you saw, now get the fuck outta here.
Failure to obey these simple rules will make you a target for road rage and the next spotlighted actor on "America's Scariest Police Chases". NO WAIT-- you have to be in Georgia for that. Sorry.

I grew up with a Military Mom (she is a retired Marine... SEMPER FI!) so I got to learn the driving habits of a lot of this country. What I haven't lived in, I have probably visited at some point. One simple observation I have is that everyone thinks two very similar things.

First, California drivers suck.

Next, the drivers where they live are definitely the worst.

Doesn't matter where you live, these truths are absolute. I lived in the Midwest for several years and on the East Coast in the Washington, DC area for a few years, so I got a decent sampling. I have also driven over most of the East Coast, New England, the Plains, and the Southwest. California goes without saying as this is home.

Washington DC drivers just drive stressed. There IS someone there. They can't drive, so I had better drive like a Congressman late for a political payoff so I can get there first. Even better, they have these HOV lanes that are isolated from the rest of the freeway (a la the Shirley freeway express lanes on I-395). If you fuck up there, forget it. Nice people.
New York drivers... We suck, you gotta problem wit' dat?
Johnson County, KS... We don't have a problem driving. You have a problem staying off my roads. Just because my road is in your living room is nothing to bitch about. Now shut the fuck up and get out of my way.
St Louis, MO... We like to think we are better than Chicago, so get off my road, bitch.
Arkansas... 'nuff said. Don't mess with the gun rack or I'll have sis blow yer head off!
San Francisco... Get your over sized SUV off my bicycle, you rainbow colored bitch! And stay off my bridge.
Los Angeles... Yeah, we can't drive. But neither can you. At least we all know we can't drive. Besides, bitch enough, we will make a movie mocking your ass up one side of the moon and down the other and call it Titanic II. Now get off my freeway while I apply my makeup.
Orange County, CA... Maybe we can't drive, but we look sooooo much better and sooooo much more glamorous at it than you do, you pretentious redneck.

I admit I can't drive very well. BossLady constantly tells me how I scare the living shit out of her when I drive. But I have noticed that whenever we go somewhere, who drives.... that's right, I DO! But that's okay. She knows she scares me too.

The reason for this mini-rant was something that happened to me today driving home from my store. I was on the 55 heading north, and (amazing, I know, but true) no one was on the freeway save this one blue-haired-nearly-dead in this big white whale of a car (I mean, this thing makes a porn star jealous it's so big!). He was moving somewhere around the speed of a drunk snail, and driving like it. As I moved to get around him from the right lane to the left, he waited till I was just about to pass him and moved over in front of me (no signal; he is a local). Thinking this fossil didn't see me, I moved over another lane and attempted to pass him. Same result. Now I am thinking this fossil is getting his rocks off this way so I am getting pissed. So I fade to the right and sure enough, he moves. I jump to the left, gun the motor and fly by him, giving him a wave and a little sign language to tell him he's number 1. The bastard couldn't even see over his steering wheel, yet was driving on the freeway! And yes, he was speeding (So was I, but that's LA).

Fuck driving to work. I am getting a helicopter. Knowing my luck, that fruit will have one too and will be trying to take my airspace.

Ghost Stories

2008-09-02T22:42:00.000-07:00

I've never met a person in retail who doesn't claim their building is haunted. It's just a fact of the industry. What it proves is beyond me. Maybe we are all nuts, and working here just proves it.

Through my 20 years, I have encountered every kind of ghost story. Most of the time, I blew them off (the story, not the ghost). I don't really believe in that sort of thing. There may be things we can't explain, but give it time. I mean, the Greeks thought thunderstorms were the Gods fighting, after all. A little bit of time and we finally learned not to golf in an electrical storm.

Some of the stories were simple, like the building in San Jose haunted by the former employee that died in the restroom of natural causes (like what? gas?). Or the supposed construction worker that died on the new building in Fremont just before they opened the doors. Or a personal favorite from my days in Virginia, George Washington haunted the store (uh... yeah.... just because Mt. Vernon is 15 minutes up the road... dude, you are nuts!).

I did have some things happen to me in San Francisco that defy my explanation. I told others about them, and someone finally did some research and found out the building we worked in was used as a hospital/morgue/crematorium after the 1906 Earthquake/fire. After finding that out, PB refused to go into certain parts of the building...

My three encounters got everyone laughing at me, but on two of the occasions, there were other witnesses, so they decided I wasn't crazy. (Well, not THAT kind of crazy. You have to be crazy in SF. It's in the rules.)

During my first week of training with this company, I was closing with an assistant manager who was to show me the operational aspects of closing that store. J and I had some problems balancing the store (we later found our error to be something really idiotic, but common). We were off quite a significant amount, so we let the rest of the crew go home and retreated to the office to find our mistakes. We finally gave up after an hour (the openers the next day found the error) and went into the office to call LP to report it. I sat in the chair next to the LP cameras while J stood there facing me on the phone. After a few minutes, I heard footsteps in the building, which was odd since we were the only ones there. I kept trying to get J's attention, and she kept telling me to shut up (something BossLady is enjoying doing these days). I started scouting the store on camera trying to see if we had an intruder. I then tried one last time to get J to listen to me. She just sighed and turned around to face out the office. Just then, we both saw someone walk by and slam the hallway doors. J came UNGLUED! She slammed the office door and refused to go out. I finally went out, and the hallway door was wide open, and there was no one there.

Freaky.

The next day, people got the story from CD (another assistant that was good friends with J) and J, and it was the running joke. PB started looking into what I was encountering, but couldn't find anything then. After a week or so, it died down.

About six months later, I was relating this story to my team in Fremont (which happened to include BossLady) as we were waiting for one of their rides to come pick them up. As I got to the end of the tale, the alarm at the Circuit City across the lot went off. A couple of weeks later, the closing crew got locked into the store. They blamed me for telling the ghost story.

Later that winter, I had been transferred back to SF and was working an over-nighter as they cleaned the carpets and repaired the stairwell in our store. The cleaning crew finished early, so I had about 3 hours till the stair crew arrived. I took my lunch around 130 in the morning. All the lights in the building save for 2 are on timers and overrides. Those two lights, the office and the break room, were by traditional light switch. The two rooms are right next to each other. I sat down to eat my soup, while talking to BossLady on the phone (who I had started dating a couple of weeks earlier and was off to college). As I was eating, she says I came completely unglued and freaked out. She couldn't figure it out. What had happened was that as I was eating, I looked up to see a hand (I was in the building alone at this point) reach into the room and turn the switch off. I lost it. I ran upstairs, overrode every light in the building and sat on the Mezzanine stairs facing Powell in full view of the windows and people on the street. BossLady stayed on the phone with me for another hour at least.

That story got a ton of laughs from everyone except my resident ghost buster, PB. He started researching it again, and started getting some results, discovering other haunted buildings in and around Union Square. He promised to attack the leads to see what it netted him. He finally discovered the link to the '06 Earthquake. Good times.

A couple of months later, I was leaving with my team after a rough closing shift, when I realized that I had left the Muzak on. The Team Leader (JC) and I went downstairs into that office (again) to turn it off, but not without some teasing from the crew. We came back upstairs at a dead run and JC so white-faced that he glowed under black light. (I personally spent the BART ride home checking my shorts.)

What happened was this. We unlocked the office, and rather than turn the light on, we just walked in to where the Muzak player was. Now above the office door is a vent. As we reached the Muzak, we turned to leave just in time to see a disembodied hand reach at us through the vent.

The jokes about me being nuts stopped that night.

I left that company soon after that, but friends still working there tell me they have had encounters too.

Do I believe in ghosts? I don't know. I do know I saw something three different times beyond my explanation.

This is a site that PB said got him on the right track to finding the history of that building. Check it out as it lists ghost stories by building in each US city. Neat stuff. (Please note, the store I worked in is NOT listed on this site. It's where PB got some pointers on where and how to look. It is very cool to see what is haunted in your area, though!)

http://www.theshadowlands.net/

Happy hunting.

Some Things Are Better Left to the Imagination

2008-08-31T15:21:00.000-07:00

Working retail, I see a lot of things during the course of a day, week, month or even a year. Some of them are quite cool, others are quite forgettable. Others just make you sick. Others, well, let's just say you see them.

These are just a few of the things I have encountered in the last 20 years of doing this. Not all have happened recently, but they have stuck in my mind.

Kids are probably the funniest part of my job (when I am not wanting to fricassee them or their parents).

We had the boy out front of our store recently, ahem, ah... "watering" the plants. Yup, this boy about 6 or so dropped the pants and did what nature told him to on the plants out front. The problem? He missed the plants and "washed" the front bumper of the Mercedes parked next to it. Good job of getting the entire bumper, though.

I walked around a corner in my store and found a young boy, probably 9 or 10, discovering his "Boy Toys". Pants around the ankles, going to town with Rosy Palms. THAT was a fun one, having to explain to his parents that they needed to collect their boy and leave since he was playing with himself to the disgust of other parents. I don't know who was more embarrassed, me, the parents, or the boy. I will bet that boy had a REAL fun ride home that night.

We had a boy walk up to his sister and ask if he could have a sip of her drink. She said no. He turned to her, without missing a beat, and said, "Fuck you, bitch." I think he was 5.

We had a couple of boys running through the store. I repeatedly asked the boys to stop running, getting sterner and sterner each lap. I even challenged the parents to get the boys to behave (a last resort). I took the eldest aside (he was maybe 4) and showed him a scar on my arm from a surgery I had and told him I got it from hitting a shelf in the store he was running in. He said he wouldn't run, and took off at mach 5. He came around again, looked at me and said "walk please", passed me at a walk and tore off running again. 3 or 4 laps later, he did this and took off running looking over his shoulder at me. He promptly ran into a bench and face-planted himself on the carpet.

Adults do stupid things, too. It's not that the actions are stupid. It's that they aren't thought out very well, or are just in the wrong spot/time.

We had a lady in a sun dress there with her 4 kids. Without thinking, she hiked up her skirt and scratched her back. I know now what she was not wearing. And I SERIOUSLY wish she had left it all to my imagination. I get sick just thinking about it.

I caught a couple at the back of an aisle thinking they were in a motel. Her skirt around her stomach, his jeans at his ankle.

I was watching the LP cameras one day at an old job and we saw this one woman come into the store. LP told me to just follow her on camera. I asked why, and said she wasn't a shoplifter, but that she had a strong aversion to fitting rooms. So I followed her on camera. Sure enough, she selected a few jeans and a bra, and proceeded to try them on not more than 15 feet from the front registers, in full view of everyone.

I was working an overnight one time, and having a terrible night. I was pissed at my crew for not getting things done, and LP had asked me to keep an eye on a couple of the crew for suspicious behavior. He then told me what cameras were set to record overnight and where they were focused. When we finally broke for lunch/breakfast at 3am, I was walking back to the break room and heard "Hey, RED!". I looked up in time to see 3 of the girls, all very good friends (and apparently much better friends than I had thought) lift their shirts up and flash me. Instantly my bad mood left and I keeled over laughing. I was standing under the main camera, and they all happened to be standing where the camera was focused. I KNEW it was going to be a good morning for LP.

While working for a department store in Kansas City, a friend and I came up through the ranks together. M was put in charge of Men's, while I got Shoes. M and I were close, but despite the rumours, we never dated. When the company decided to stop selling Rollerblades, I had a few set aside for employees to buy at good prices. I saw M on a slow day, pointed to her, and said, "you, me, stockroom, NOW!" and took her to where the stash was. My boss, BM, saw this, said "I don't wanna know" and took off. M and I knew he was off to his favorite hangout, the camera room for LP. We cooked up a plan to play on this. We came out of the stockroom 15 minutes later (after M picked her blades). M made it a point to be adjusting her skirt while I was tucking in my shirt. We discovered rumours are the one thing faster than the speed of light that day...

In San Francisco, the store I was in had a lot of transients since we were in the tourist area of the city. We had nicknames for all of them based on their behavior or dress (or lack thereof). We had the Scotsman (who liked to sit on the ground by the trashcan outside, wearing a kilt in traditional fashion). There was the Running Man (who looked like he was running up Nob Hill but would lose a race to a snail). We had the Blue Turban Towel Lady (who literally wore a towel on her head and would circle the center of the doors about 100 times before leaving), and the Spaniard (who would speak perfect English with you until you busted him for shoplifting, which it was always "no habla Inglis). And, of course, in SF, you had the local flavor, the Shims (IE transvestites) with one who had a crush on our security guard.

While in college, I worked for JC Penney's. I was covering a break in Lingerie, and had this teenybopper come in with his girlfriend. He started drawing on her how he wanted her teddy to fit. I told him to grow up and that I would not help him. He was maybe 15. She looked about 12. Sexual predator in the making, and I wanted no part of it.

I had a bit of a reputation as a harmless flirt in that store. So a co-worker was introducing me to another new hire, and I introduced myself and told her to have fun, and that I would embarrass her at some point. She said she would get me first. She did.

I had another co-worker tell me one day during my finals week my senior year that I needed to get laid. The gal saying this was about as Mary Poppins as you could get. Very religious, always dressed ultra-conservatively, and very proper with her language (how T and I ever managed to work together is beyond me, but we were friends). Imagine her horror when the aforementioned new hire walked in and said discretely, "T, you remember what you told Red? Took care of that for you." T never could look either of us in the eye again.

There are a lot more, but it's a holiday weekend and the beer is cold....

Hope you all have a safe weekend.

Pampers Ain't Kidding

2008-08-29T18:14:00.000-07:00

I usually rant about unruly kids, but today I had an unruly parent.

The kid was an unholy terror (Damian, put the clerk down, boy). But I don't blame the kid.

I blame the parents.

Face it folks, you gotta pay attention to your brats, no matter what you think of them.

E5 and I had a kid that was about a year old. I say about as I am terrible guessing ages. All we know was that he was incapable of any speech other than a screech, and he was wearing nothing better than a t-shirt and exploding diapers.

The kid was running around the store yelling at the top of his puny little lungs, slamming into people, fixtures and benches (which had to hurt). He face-planted a few times after tripping over his own feet.

The monster tore all the products off of one fixture, destroying about $100 worth of merchandise, which I have to damage out (but really wanted to charge the parents for). As soon as we stopped the brat from terrorizing that fixture, he moved on to another. I stopped him there, and his mother FINALLY picked him up.

It was then that I decided these people were not capable of being parents.

Pampers ain't kidding when they say 10-20 pounds.

The diapers exploded.

E5 is was in the Marines. He can handle everything.

But not this.

He went in back and did the hundred meter cookie toss with the Porcelain Deity.

I thought about it.

What this made me think about was the age-old question. Why is it you need a license to drive, a license to get married, but ANYONE can shoot out a sprat from between their legs at will.

I feel really sorry for that boy growing up with that family.

And then there was the boy running around the store with a big grin on his face and his hands in his pants the whole time... but that's another story

FIX IT

2008-08-28T21:35:00.000-07:00

Why is it every candidate for president/senate/representative/governor thinks they have to run for their office based on the need to fix our government? Or fix politics? Or fix our taxes?

I mean, every time, it's "I will fix your taxes". Usually translated to: "I will raise your taxes". Or they will fix the political game in Washington, only to become one of the same problem they ran against. Or fix our government, only to increase the problems we have with what they ran against!

And people wonder why I want to vote for Mickey Mouse?

There's Never a Bad Day Here

2008-08-28T16:08:00.000-07:00

Gotta love days off in SoCal...

Even if you have a smartass to share it with.

The marine layer didn't burn off till after we were long gone, but what a way to start the day. Morning on the beach!

Flowers From the Other Side

2008-08-25T18:39:00.000-07:00

Today I had the good side of kids.

A mother with her two kids came into the store. Both kids were well behaved and obedient to their mother. Fantastic.

What made my day was when the younger child, about a 7 year old daughter, motioned for me to kneel down and talk to her. I did, and she reached up and put a flower that she had plucked from the bushes out front into my shirt lapel.

It was a simple, stupid thing.

It made my day.

Kids like that give me hope.

How 'Bout a Knockout?

2008-08-24T20:07:00.000-07:00

It was a thing of beauty. It happened in my store, but honestly, it could have been anywhere and I would be just as happy.

Sir Isaac Newton stated that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Today was proof.

I realize that parenting in this day is getting pretty scary. I mean, if you lecture your child, you get sued for abuse. You spank your child, it's abuse. You deny them the candy bar, it's abuse for mental cruelty.

To discipline a child these days, the accepted norm is the "Time Out".

This may work for some, but I can't imagine how. Let's make you sit in a corner for two minutes and think about it. What is this? The penalty box in a hockey game?

I grew up knowing there were consequences to my actions. My mother was in the Marines. My father was in the Marine Reserves. Three of my uncles were also in the service (two army, one Coast Guard). My grandfather was in the Army. If I screwed up, I KNEW I was gonna get it, and how!

I wasn't a perfect child by any means, but it only took my mother and father a couple of times to get the message across not to screw up. After two trips to the garage to talk with his belt or Mom's backhand, I got the hint. After that, it was Mom snapping her fingers or him reaching for the buckle, and I straightened up fast.

I think I turned out all right. At least, no worse off than the rest of the world, and I certainly don't blame my parents for trying to get me to grow up decently.

I wish more people were like that.

I am not saying abuse the child, but there is nothing wrong in my mind with spanking a child, done properly.

I like to paraphrase Bill Engvall on how we really should react, though his statement is a bit extreme. "Not a time out, Ma'am. How about a KNOCK OUT! SPANK THAT BRAT!"

Today in my store, a family came in, and one child was being rude to his mother and aggravating his siblings. His father said if he didn't pay, there would be hell to pay (not his words, but a close approximation!). The boy continued to misbehave. His mother just looked at him, and said sternly, "If you don't straighten up, I will spank you, and I don't care who sees!"

Naturally, this child thought he could get away with it. He didn't consider that his mother meant every word she said. (To be honest, I didn't think she would do it either!)

Two minutes later, I look up to see her take the child, hold one arm, reach around and swat him good on the backside. (The boy was about 10 years old, which makes me think he understood why it was going on, and that his actions were the cause!) He immediately stopped screaming, sat down and shut up. He was the instant model citizen.

Amazing.

It was all I could do to not stand up and cheer.

It was such a beautiful thing to see a parent actually discipline a child who was unruly.

Thank you so much for taking action, lady!

Mee--OOWWWW!!!!!

2008-08-23T22:34:00.001-07:00

BossLady hates when I make a pitstop in the middle of the night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stPGAX2ZT6Y&feature=related

wonder why?

The Eyes Don't Have It

2008-08-23T21:39:00.000-07:00

People continue to amaze me with just how incredibly stupid they are. And it's not just the store I work in. BossLady has the same problem where she works.

The company I work for has a very well known and very popular sale. When we run this sale, there is usually a ton of advertising and all kinds of signs up in the store. You can't miss it. We send out notices to people on the mailing lists, there's the TV spots, the fliers in the paper and mail. It is the current promotion we are running.

This leads to the most recent edition of stupid people doing what stupid people do best: being STUPID!

As I said, we have a ton of signage up telling what our current promo is. Our associates are instructed to tell people about it in the aisle and as they walk in the door, per company policy. By my count, there are somewhere around 40 signs in my store telling about the promo, including the big, bright 3'X5' sign in the window next to the front door.

I was asked if we are running said promotion today no less than 25 times.

What's worse: they seriously had no clue we are running the promo!

Maybe it's time these people see an eye doctor.

I mean, it's like going to a coffee shop and asking where you can get a cup of coffee.

BossLady says she gets the same thing at the store she works at for their major promotion as well, so I know this one isn't just me.

Of course, we had our fun collection of people today. The usual screaming heathen heebeejeebees. What was odd was the mother who wanted to go postal on her own kids. Wow, that's a bit of, well, don't have kids.

It was also fun watching the kid who I had asked to stop running in the store run head on into the front door, and then bust out crying because it hurt! (go figure on that one.)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In other things, BossLady and I spent Thursday in San Diego at SeaWorld. We're geeks for theme parks, and while SeaWorld is the tops, it is a nice diversion. The hard part was keeping BossLady from trying to take every animal home. I told her the only whale she could bring home was me.

Seriously, if you are there, check out the Shamu Rocks show. (NOT Shamu's Rocks. That would be gross. And kinky. Chuck it, it's just straight perverted.) Pretty cool. None of the usual "save the whales" speeches or conservationism. Just straight LOUD music and orca's flipping out. Fun stuff.

I am also seeking last minute idea's for Mom's birthday. She is retired Marine Corps, and BossLady and I already have one item for her, USMC related. And I am taking her to dinner. But I am at a loss for other ideas. Any help? Only 5 days to go....

And speaking of ideas.... I only have 45 days till BossLady turns 21. Vegas has been ruled out (her freakin' grandmother is taking her!), so I am open to other suggestions. I have a couple of ideas in the works, but something good to ice it would be great.

Yeah, I like to plan these things out. Remind me to tell you what I did to BossLady last year for her birthday. I can't top it, and I will never live it down!

Sanity

2008-08-21T09:47:00.000-07:00

Sanity is seriously overrated.

Birth Control

2008-08-20T22:23:00.000-07:00

I hate kids. More specifically, I hate parents who don't control there offspring.

Today I had the full spectrum of these mini-human beings (terms used loosely... you can't prove to me some of these crazy heebeejeebees are human) at my store.

The day actually started quite well. A mother came in with two boys, one about 10 and the other about 3 years younger. Both boys were quiet (IE not constantly screaming at mom) and respectful to the people around them. They (amazingly enough in this day and age) had manners. Things like "please", "no, Ma'am" and "thank you" were a regular part of their vocabulary. They really amazed me when, after their mother paid for their items, they came to her and said "thank you, Mom" and they meant it! I made it a point to tell her how great it was to see that, and that I hoped that these two fine young men came back to my store. Mom was obviously overjoyed to hear that.

That's the good stuff. I wish it was more common, but it's not. What I got next, unfortunately, is the norm.

A mother and her three kids came into the store today when it was rather busy. The kids ranged anywhere from early teens (the daughter), to about 4 years old. The oldest boy was about ten. This family was in my store for almost two hours. It's not a big store. I had no where to hide.

The daughter started by asking where her sized merchandise was and dove into it with typical teenage glee.

The boys went ape-shit.

They started by grabbing anything they could touch. They opened everything. If it was on a peg, they took it off the peg and left it on the floor. And they took the peg and threw it like a dagger. They ripped open sealed packages. They broke the ties on certain items. They used other items like dusters (even though they are not meant for anything like that). They started pounding on my credit card pad. They got behind the counter and started dumping our supplies all over the floor. They got into the trash and started emptying that.

Now that they were warmed up, they started running in the store. It was an all-out game of tag, and when you got caught, you got punched. If you got caught and you weren't playing, you got punched. They tripped over other customers (and there were many). They were screaming the entire time. MM and I were doing everything we could to stop them. No luck.

The Mother wasn't doing anything to stop these hooligans. The boys went nuts. They got mad if they got asked to stop by us. The mother didn't say a word. Other customers were joining in, trying to tame these raving rabid twits. Nothing worked.

I lost it all after I was measuring the youngest child and the middle child grabbed my shoulders and started using me as an obstacle for his game. He was pushing my shoulders, grabbing what little hair I have left, punching my back, and kicking my feet. As I looked up at the mother to tell her what size shoe her son wore, the middle heathen literally screamed in my left ear. He was one inch from it at the time. I just looked at the mother and said if this behavior continued, I would ask them to leave as they were disrupting my store for other customers and they were not being safe. They were also a hazard to my health.

I went in back and punched a wall.

I came back out to find the eldest boy hanging from the door. It's a glass door and not designed to support any weight, particularly not the tonnage this overweight fart was carrying. I just looked at the mother and said "do I need to call the police?"

They finally made their selections, and the mother had the gall to ask me to give her a discount!

What planet are people like this from???

And my mother wonders why she will never get grand kids out of me.

Killed a Bunny

2008-08-18T21:44:00.000-07:00

About a year and a half ago, BossLady sent me the following link, with a tagline of "is this you in disguise?" (or something close to that... the old photomemory is toast).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74AzD2wfu-g

BossLady was making fun of me since we had taken a road trip and I bombed the car. (I got revenge on another trip, but that's another story... she so does like to one-up me.) So being the smart-ass that I can be, I decided to run with it.

I was coming home from work one day, and sent her a text message. "Just killed a bunny" it read. She asked what I had I done, made road-pizza? I said no, but that I had rolled the windows down and had a serious need of fresh air. Since then, it's bunny-time or killing a bunny or squishing the rabbit.

Today at work, I was at the register counter updating the books when E5 was ringing up a customer when I noticed a rather rank smell. My first thought was, "well, for once it wasn't me" followed quickly by "DAMN!, E5, warn a guy!". I quietly turned to him and said, "did you just die on me?". He glared at me, and finished with the customer, a middle-aged woman. The woman looked at me with a strange glare that I thought nothing of, then quickly ran for the door. E5 just looked at me and asked what I meant by him dying. I asked him if he cut loose. He said no, he thought it was me. Nope. We both then realized that the reason that woman made a speedy exit was because she absolutely BOMBED us! And it was NAAAASSSSSTTTYYYY.

So, as I scrambled for breathable air, I got to thinking about all the ways we talk about farting.

There's the Southern Style (blame the kids).
There's the Texas Style (blame the dog).
There's the Ozark Style (brag about it).
There's Los Angeles Style (blame smog).
There's San Fransisco Style (blame the fog or your boyfriends).
There's New York Style (blame New Jersey. You gotta problem with that?)
There's Washington DC Style (form an action committee to study the problem, the environmental impact studies, forms in triplicate sent to the House of Representatives, passed, sent to the Senate, passed, vetoed by the President, reworked in Congress, recommended by the State department and finally signed into law before being ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Court).
There's Seattle Style (grab a coffee and celebrate nature).
There's Chinese Style (What fart? No fart here. Move along).
There's French Style (run up the Brown flag and surrender).
There's British Style (Have a spot of tea with that, chap?).
There's NASA Style (Houston, we have liftoff).
There's Florida Style (which of you old farts just died. Seriously).
There's Mississippi Style (Slow, wet and brown).
There's Shakespeare Style (full of sound and fury, but ultimately, smelling nothing).
There's Wisconsin Style (man, that's some SERIOUS cheese).
There's Airport Style (better check your bags after that one, sir).
and finally...
Jack the Ripper (no explanation needed).

I'd say more, but I need to go talk to the porcelain deity about this bunny issue I had today.

Keep it clean, and have a good day!

The Mother of God

2008-08-17T14:50:00.000-07:00

Every so often, someone comes along in your retail career that turns your world around.

I have always made a light-hearted joke to a new crew when starting a new job, just to break the ice and let them know I don't take myself too seriously. I am here to do a job, and I intend to get it done, but I am going to have fun doing it. The statement usually gets a few strange looks, a laugh, and a few smiles to let people know I appreciate a little humor.

Imagine my horror when that joke got turned on me!

The statement?

"We will get along just fine once you realize that I am God. Thank God for Athiests!"

I had been working for a retailer in San Jose, CA for a little less than a year when I was transferred to the Fremont, CA store. It was a bittersweet move for me. For one thing, my commute was being cut from 25 miles (which, in the Bay Area, means about 2 hours) to 3 miles (and NO FREEWAYS!). But I was replacing a good friend, MDC, who was leaving the company.

One thing about transfers. They are always more fun than leaving a company. You are leaving friends, but there is still opportunity to interact with them as you go about business. And it's a new horizon and usually, a vote of confidence from the higher-higher than you are a capable person. So I looked to this as a great chance to improve my quality of life.

I had to stop by the new store the night before I started there so I could get my password and key. In doing so, MDC was there and asked me to join the going-away party his team was throwing that night. I said I would be there.

The party was down the road at City Beach, a sports club/restaurant. I arrived, had a drink and waited for everyone to show up. Finally they rolled in, about 10 people. Finally, MDC walked in, and I bought him a round.

MDC and I sat around talking as people started shooting pool, playing video games or just horsing around. I asked him what I was getting into, since I was going from one of the highest volume stores in our district to one of the lowest. He said I was joining a cast of real personalities, and that they were more concerned about me than I was them.

"So, do I break out the God-Line?" I asked him.

"Sure, but don't be surprised if it turns on you" was his smirking reply.

Finally, everyone got buzzed enough to let the barriers fall, and started asking me questions. Several people were there, mostly young, but one older woman. Everyone was fun and laughing until LittleBigWoman asked the dreaded question.

"What are you like to work with?", she asked.

I swallowed the last of my drink, faced everyone, who had gotten deadly silent, and dropped the line. From off to the side, I got a sarcastic comeback. "Well, I must be the mother of god since I am way older than you, Junior".

I had just met the woman everyone called Grandma. She was easily the oldest person in the store, and could quite literally be their grandmother. I told her she wasn't old enough to be my grandmother, so Mother was a possibility.

Imagine my fun the next day when I learned that she was assigned to work my quadrant of the store.

Grandma and I developed a healthy respect and friendship at work. We were always joking and keeping it light during our time together. In time, I did look to her as a resource and pseudo-mother figure. I took to calling her Mum, and she would call me Junior. We must have developed some respect. She followed me to my next company when I landed back in Fremont.

Two stories from this company stand out to me about her.

We were having a corporate visit one day, and while I don't recall who it was, I know they were way higher than the standard DM or RM visit. During the walkthru, there is a page on the intercom, "Junior to the front, please, for return. Junior to the front." My boss, the Dog, was wondering just who was being paged. "We don't have a Junior, do we?" he asked. The DM was just as confused as she prided herself on knowing everyone. I quickly replied that it was me, and that I would be right back. I walked off to dazed and confused suits trying to hide my laughter. Apparently, Mum decided I needed a breather, so got me out of the walkthru for a few.

Another time, we were working in the Back To School section, helping a young lady who was getting a collection for her freshman dorm at Fresno State. We had spent some time looking for
just the right things when I saw Mum walk by. So I called out, "Mum, what do you think of this?". She looked and said she thought there was a better option and would be right back, telling me, "Keep the young lady happy while I look, Junior". I spent the next 15 minutes explaining to the girl's mother that Mum was not my true mother (inside jokes are the best!) and that I did not have any sexual designs on her daughter, even though she was cute.

Over our time working together, Mum became one of my closest friends. Everytime I go home to the Bay Area, I make it a point to see her. She became a key part of BossLady's life as well, as the two got to work together with me at one time. (If you haven't figured out, BossLady is my better half). When BossLady wanted a kitten, Mum delivered (that is a story in and of itself). When I had surgery on my arm, she insisted on running me to the hospital and taking me home.

It's truly funny how you find the best people in the worst situations. I don't look back at my time in that company with any fondness. But The Mother of God, well, she put me in my place and will always be an idol to me.

Welcome to My Store

2008-08-16T19:45:00.000-07:00

Welcome to My Store!

The purpose of this blog is just to record random thoughts and happenings to me (or that have happened to me) in my 20 years of retail. Some stories will be fun. Some stupid. Some will be rants. Others won't have anything at all to do with retail. Some will be about me and my better half as we travel this life.

I decided to start this blog after BossLady read some of my rants on my private blog.